Trump Doubles Down on Hillary Clinton Bathroom Scandal, Accuses Her of Wet Queef

WASHINGTON – Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump came out swinging this morning on NBC’s Meet the Press doubling down on his assertion that Hillary Clinton’s restroom break was “disgusting” and “filthy.”  According to Trump, information was leaked directly to him from stage handlers, alleging that Mrs. Clinton actually had an “accident” due to vaginal flatulence (queef) on stage which required her sanitary napkin to be serviced.

“I know where she went, it’s disgusting, I don’t want to talk about it, no, it’s too disgusting.  Don’t say it, it’s disgusting, let’s not talk.”

He continued:

“I hear that she had no pads left and had to resort to borrowing one of Bernie’s diapers, that’s disgusting.  This poor guy can’t hold himself through the debate and is forced to wear pull-up diapers like some toddler.  People want to know why I said the whole situation was disgusting?  Well that’s why!”

The Hillary Clinton campaign has refused to comment at this time.

Facebooktwitterredditmail

Ted Cruz Loses Ventriloquist On Christmas Day

HOUSTON, TX — Going on the 2nd day of Christmas and still no news on the location of Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz’s missing ventriloquist Mister Geppetto.

Christmas day was a less than festive day in the Cruz household police stated in a press conference that they are investigating whether Mister Geppetto’s disappearance will be treated as a kidnapping or a runaway, Harris County sheriff Ron Hickman continued: “the family is asking for respect of their privacy at this time”

Geppetto last seen on Christmas Eve
Geppetto last seen on Christmas Eve

Ted Cruz has been with Mr. Geppetto since before he was a little boy, since he was a little piece of wood.  What’s likely to be devastating news to the Cruz campaign as Geppetto has been a key player on the campaign trail.

Jon Stephens, President of the Ventriloquist Academy believes it may be too late in the campaign to find a ventriloquist who can get the timing down in sync with Ted Cruz.  “It usually takes years for a dummy and his ventriloquist to bond and achieve the natural timing of a human being.  I’m afraid there’s just not enough time, it’s a very sad time as many in this stagecraft were excited about what would have been a historic event: having the first president who was truly a dummy.”

Crime Stoppers is offering a $10,000 reward for tips that help locate Mr. Geppetto, if you have any information on the case you are asked to call: (713) 521-4600.

 

Facebooktwitterredditmail

Two-thirds of Millennials Have Fan Fiction About Themselves

Study finds that Millennials desire to externalize fan fiction about themselves (self fan fiction) more-so than Generation X or Baby Boomers at alarming rates.  According to the study empty threats from “moving to Canada if Trump were elected” to “quitting full-time jobs to focus on a new degree” may actually just be cries for attention due to a lack of attention they receive on social media.

Diane Heilig head professor of sociology at Pace University, who created the study, explained that “while Millennials have no intention of following through on these threats they must be taken seriously or they may actually make mistakes to assert their relevance in the world.  Different generations have some degree of self fan fiction for instance the baby boomers as a whole wanted to own RVs, Gen-Xers wanted that trendy tattoo however only about 15% of each group actually followed through with these fantasies.  What’s different about Millennials is that they do not need to be stoned or drunk to vocalize their self fan fiction therefore their desire to externalize their self fan fiction is creating a mental vacuum allowing an alternate universe in their mind where Facebook or Twitter followers are actually fans of their self fan fiction.  This is unique quality that allows the same person to have a masters degree and feel overqualified for every job except for barista and blogger.”

Millennials seen in Self Fan Fiction
Millennials seen in popular self fan fiction television show

HBO’s Girls is one such example that she pointed to noting how people who watch the show fall into two groups.  “The first group of people are Millennials who watch the show because they identify with the struggles of the characters and relate this to their own struggles for attention and relevancy in the world.  The second group of people watching Girls strangely enough were non-Millennials, who it turns out are waiting for characters on the show to make some sort of suicide pact and follow through with said pact on television.”

Facebooktwitterredditmail

New Study Finds Global Warming Causes “Rednecks”

In a statement from the United States Attorney General’s office, it has been determined that there is a connection between Global Warming and the uptick of Southern Hostility or “Rednecks.”  This weeks after similar connections were made between Global Warming and terrorism.

Loretta Lynch stated: “Like with ISIL we are finding that in deep rural parts of the south that Global Warming was a threat multiplier.  We have intelligence in some areas which are completely off of the grid where the Cajun people’s swamp shacks are no longer surrounded by water.”

Attorney General Loretta Lynch discussing ISHIL
Attorney General Loretta Lynch discussing ISHIL

The Obama administration has continued to take pressure for not doing more against the Illiterate Southern Hostility of Inbred and Lead-poisoned (ISHIL).

Lynch continued: “This has forced the locals to convert their swamp shacks into deer stands which not only has long term effects on the local ecosystems but has caused an increase in gun ownership in gulf coast states such as Louisiana.  However what’s more concerning than the recent spike ISHIL gun ownership is their affinity for fringe presidential candidates such as Ted Cruz.”

The Obama administration is currently mulling executive orders at slowing the growth of ISHIL and has stated that every measure is “on the table.”  At least one of the plans was leaked to the press on Tuesday morning which is aimed at ISHIL recruitment areas such as Walmart, limiting people in southern states to one trip to Walmart per week.

Facebooktwitterredditmail

Hillary Proposes Free University to Fight ISIS

While campaigning at a roadside diner Saturday afternoon in Iowa, presidential nominee hopeful Hillary Rodham Clinton proposed a global plan to provide adults wanting to return to college free tuition as a measure to “decrease terrorism and deter extremism” worldwide.

“Clearly ISIS is inspired by the average American’s pig-igornance towards Middle Eastern culture and radical Islam in general.” Clinton went on to add that her plan would also require public K-12 schools to teach “Sharia law, to help bridge the irrational fear against Wahhabism.” To maintain enrollment, female circumcision may be mandatory in some districts while immunizations will be voluntary.

Clinton meeting with Libyan benefactor of her tenure as Secretary State
Clinton meeting with Libyan beneficiary of her tenure as Secretary State

The latest move by Hillary Clinton is seen as a outflanking maneuver against competing Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders’ most recent plan to fight ISIS with “free healthcare for the Middle East.” “That is just too exclusive,” explained Clinton.

Facebooktwitterredditmail

Bergdahl Exchanged To ISIS for Social Media Wiz Kids

President Obama today announced a landmark exchange to empower Homeland Security by bolstering the Defense Department’s social media capabilities.

The controversial trade involves transferring sergeant Bowe Bergdahl as a prisoner to the Islamic State (ISIS) in exchange for three of their “social media wiz kids.”

“This move will help our nations security by arming us with some of the worlds leaders on social media and propoganda,” President Obama declared in a Rose Garden ceremony at the White House.

Obama gushed, “It’s rare when diplomacy like this provides a true win-win for both parties.  I am told that our enemies [ISIS] have plans for sergeant Bergdahl as an outlet for their hate of the West.  Once we overcame the human rights issues of ISIS torturing an American citizen it became a real no-brainer. For instance, his family is supporting this move after realizing him to be a failure as both an American and a son to his family.  It’s our hope that they [ISIS] focus their energy on him and away from the West and away from our allies in the Middle East.”

The trade is expected to save the military the expense and turmoil of prosecuting Bowe Bergdahl for war crimes.

The address ended with the president joking that he has it on good authority that ISIS have fun plans in store for Bowe!

Facebooktwitterredditmail

Trump’s Medical Report Reveals He is Jedi Knight

On December 3rd, presidential candidate Donald J. Trump announced he would soon be releasing his medical records per common protocol. He hinted that it would be perfection but few expected supernatural powers.

This morning the Donald Trump campaign released all 1 pages of his medical report and unsurprisingly he is in great, no incredible shape. However the big news that has all colonies on Earth buzzing is that Donald J. Trump is in fact a Jedi Knight.

Full details of the medical report can be found below:
https://www.donaldjtrump.com/images/uploads/trump_health_record.pdf

Facebooktwitterredditmail

Silver Alert Issued for Bernie Sanders

During a press conference, Burlington Vermont police chief, Brandon del Pozo, told the press that the presidential candidate has not been seen for at least two days. “Bernie has not been seen by members of his staff or family for what is going on 48 hours. As of this morning, we have issued a Silver Alert to locate Mr Sanders. There are concerns about his health and wellbeing considering he hasn’t taken his medication for this period of time.”

Update:

bernie-sanders-walking

New reports of witnesses seeing what may be the missing presidential candidate. Witness accounts report seeing someone matching the description of an elderly man with white guilt in the affluent Burlington suburb of New North End, reportedly peeping or staring into peoples’ homes. If you have any information which can help the police, please contact the Burlington police at 802-658-2704.

Facebooktwitterredditmail

Trump Endorses British on Plans to Ban Him

In a bizarre twist of events Donald Trump has gone from appearing hurt by the the British petition to ban him from the country to endorsing it this morning stating: “I will sign it myself, it will never pass without my signature.”

This after yesterday’s rejection of British culture when the “The Donald” took to Twitter stating he will “miss nothing about Britain, the queen is frankly overrated and their food (which you have probably already heard) stinks.”

This morning the Donald Trump campaign released an official statement endorsing the petition to bar his entry into the country: “Look it’s simple, we want to eliminate hateful people from coming in this country and our allies abroad have just as much right to bar me.”

We reached out to the organizers of the petition to see if they had any comment which upon responding: “whahuhhh?” subsequently short-circuited their motherboard and bursted into flames. 🔥

Facebooktwitterredditmail