Sudden Yoga Death Syndrome devastates San Francisco, Seattle

The West Coast is bracing for continued casualties as FEMA announced a state of emergency in both San Francisco and Seattle after thousands of adults participating in yoga have begun dying of what appears to be extreme and sustained boredom. Cumulative death tolls tragically reached 4,300 by Thursday afternoon and President Obama has warned that total death counts may reach 10,000 by time congress can pass a law banning or at least heavily regulating yoga.

Sudden Yoga Death Syndrome (SYDS) started afflicting young to middle age affluent urban Caucasian Americans early last week where it spread to similar demographics in the Asian community. Everyone on the West Coast is being warned to not only avoid yoga studios but also independent coffee shops, spin classes and Improv until the Centers for Disease Control identifies the exact cause of SYDS. As researchers begin studying the disease, one puzzling fact they are working on is understanding the only groups with known immunity to SYDS, males with sickle-cell anemia and those who rely on public transportation.

In other news: Lululemon (LULU) stocks are trading down 98% for the day at $1.44/share.

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Congress passes bill offering Justin Bieber as sacrifice for years of ‘terribly executed’ cultural appropriation

WASHINGTON, DC – Speaker of the House Paul Ryan was joined by Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi in celebrating the passage of bipartisan bill (HB13638) in the House of Representatives to finally offer the African American community symbolic restitution for decades of awfully executed cultural appropriation by calling for the public hanging of the Canadian turned American pop tart. The bill, introduced in 2015, was put on the fast track after Justin Bieber’s recent rash of odd behavior culminated by dreadlock hair extensions and a fresh facial tattoo of a cross.

All 425 members of the House of Representatives voted ‘yay’ during a late Monday session moving the bill to the senate where it’s expected to pass for President Obama’s final signature who hailed the bill as their only successful law this session and congratulated congress on a “meaningful and lasting step in the right direction.”

Additionally, all Justin Bieber albums will be banned from public places and effigies of his previous works of defecation will be financed by new War Bonds.

UPDATE 5/10/16: HB13638, restitution for cultural appropriation, has stalled in the senate upon recent revelations from the Associated Press (AP) report that Justin Bieber is actually Miley Cyrus in drag. To the dismay of pop fans throughout the world, both identities were fictional characters invented by the recording industry and played by 5 different actors, two of which are still living. HB13638 is currently being modified in the Senate to bring the remaining two perpetrators to justice.

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John Kasich ends presidential bid, accepts full-time role on Sesame Street

Sunny days, sweeping the clouds away? Governor John Kasich, former congressman and seldom relevant Republican from Ohio, has his eyes set on a new career in children’s television after his doomed campaign finally ends.

“Ever since Sesame Street sold out and jumped ship to HBO I knew they have finally come around to the capitalist way of thinking. I believe with my sing-songy speech patterns, idioms, and a few insipid sayings borrowed from President George W. Bush I can really make a dent on a quasi-human character on our beloved children’s classic.”

Sesame Street cast and crew remain mum on this jarring public speculation of a new addition, keeping the secret tighter than Elmo actor Kevin Clash’s alleged transgressions with under-aged homosexual teen-aged sex partners.

An insider speaking on condition of anonymity commented:

“There was a certain buzz about getting a republican on the set with us, of course most of it negative with many of the old timers fearing deportation or muppets being slaughtered for toupees if it were Donald Trump. Best case scenario we would have gotten the Elder Bush to channel Mr. Rogers and have a weekly story time reading bit. We’d have gotten George W. but considering his luck with children’s stories we felt it best not to give him a call.”

 

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REPORT: Glenn Beck found eating at Golden Corral after ‘fasting’ claim

Conservative commentator Glenn Beck was reportedly caught on camera this Tuesday evening enjoying an ‘All-You-Can-Eat’ buffet at Golden Corral, breaking his Ted Cruz inspired fast allegedly due to watching primary election results coming in. This just one day after beginning a fast to help the Republican hopeful win Indiana.

Upon being confronted over the failure to complete his fast, Beck did admit that he had to break his fast due to stress, however, he highly recommended the roast beef and macaroni & cheese.

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Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina unveils future cabinet seats available for donations

SHIT, IN – Friday saw Carly Fiorina joined Ted Cruz in Some Hurting Industrial Town (SHIT) in Indiana for a major campaign announcement. The G.O.P. hopefuls unveiled several high level cabinet positions available for bidding thanks to a partnership with Ebay.

Carly Fiorina, the ousted CEO of HP and failed Republican nominee, opined that her recent colossal failures have removed the roadblocks of shame, and that pairing with Cruz was a match made in heaven:

“People keep asking me if joining the Cruz campaign stripped me of my dignity. I want to respond to those accusations right now and say: ‘how dare you!’.

This reminds me of when I was CEO of Hewlitt Packard and we acquired Compaq who coincidentally resided in Ted Cruz’s home state. Now when I made the (albeit easy decision) to offshore thousands of jobs from Houston, people attacked me. But I did what I always do and I stood up for my convictions of outsourcing American jobs! And now as I stand before you I urge you all to join me in opening your wallets.”

Cruz Crew Deputy Delegates are still available on a first come first serve basis
Cruz Crew Deputy Delegates are still available on a first come first serve basis

Senator Cruz joined his vice president hopeful with plenty of praise as he revealed plans that are affordable enough for all Americans to have a role in his campaign:

“In this world, unlikable people need to stick together, after all isn’t that what being a Texan is all about?

Now as Carly mentioned we have many high level positions such as Secretary of State and Attorney General available I want to reiterate that this is not about money, in fact we still have plenty of Cruz Crew Deputy Delegate name tags available for donations under $1,000.

This will be the first political appointment decided on Ebay, where the auction is set to start Monday, May 2nd and run until Sunday, May 8th.

 

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San Francisco’s new family leave act to finally allow husbands to bond with wife’s boyfriend’s infant

Blended cuckhold families throughout the valley are celebrating the decision by San Francisco’s Board of Supervisors to provide paid family leave for married couples whose spouse has a child outside of the marriage. Starting January 1st, husbands will finally have the ability to receive 6 months of paid leave to assist their wives in raising another man’s child.

Families like Carl's will no longer have to sacrifice finances for family
Families like Carl’s will no longer have to sacrifice finances for family

Carl Cuck is one particular victim of the current circumstances which forced him to choose between paying the bills or bonding with his wife’s boyfriend’s infant.

“Prior to this bill, if I wanted to help out my wife and her boyfriend, I was limited to cooking them a meal or babysitting on date night. Everyone knows the first few months is crucial and I haven’t really had much time to bond with that little guy.”

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California raises minimum wage to $100/hr retroactively to 1960

SACRAMENT, CALIFORNIA – In a landmark move for pay equity in America, California Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill raising the state’s minimum wage to $100/hr. This coming only three days after the state’s passage of a $15/hr minimum wage was deemed insufficient and subsequently met with violent protests and 5 deaths. This latest move, lauded by the treasury department, is expected to bring the Golden State record surpluses as more people move up into the 45% tax bracket.

The protests (which broke out Monday evening) seemed to calm down last night after the California National Guard distributed brownies wrapped in hemp paper announcing the $100/hr minimum wage. The bill’s passage has finally squelched three days of guerrilla warfare by protestors wearing Che Guevara and Bernie Sanders paraphernalia.

Lennon & Che
John Lennon & Che Guevara jam session after expunging a few Nixon supporters

Two key provisions of the bill’s passage were to handcuff companies from leaving the state and making the minimum wage hike retroactive to January 1st 1960, which would result in back pay for workers who have been underpaid for decades. Additionally, companies will not be able to leave the state of California for any of the other 49 states, with an exception of offshoring work to one of three designated third world progressive countries including: Mexico, Venezuela and Brazil.

UPDATE: In response to criticism from the California Small Business Administration in regards to the inability of small business to compensate current and former employees for backpay, the state has announced new provisions to help small business in California to continue limp along and struggle to make ends meet.

“We’re pleased to announce that the state of California will be providing support to small businesses who owe $850,000 or more in backpay to employees. Our new state sponsored home-equity loans will help provide small businesses with liquidity necessary to continue running their businesses. Alternatively, small business owners may liquidate their personal retirement accounts such as 401k or Roth IRAs for a one time penalty of 15%.”

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ISIS defectors lured away with exploding fem-bots

Technology will bring a promising new weapon to Coalition Forces against ISIS in the form of new, sleek fem-bots by Lockheed Martin, announced Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter.

Western forces have been vexed on effective counter-recruitment techniques while the Islamic State has offered the promise of women to recruit impressionable men from the West.

The idea is that robots with “world class replicated human ankles” will lure young men away from terrorist camps. Engineer Harry Tubbs explains:

“In the beginning of these operations made every effort to make these bots look visually stunning using a synthetic skin made from a silicate base. However, thanks to a mishap with one particular fem-bot the fake skin melted off and we found these men found them even more irresistible. Thanks to that cost savings measure we take the fem-bots directly from the assembly line and dress them in full burka. A successful mission for a fem-bot can usually net around a dozen men at a time.”

Mohamad Jamal Khweis
Mohamad Jamal Khweis, Fairfax Virginia’s pride and Prom King of 2008

Defectors such as young Mohamad Jamal Khweis, after a 10 month pilgrimage with the Islamic State met his new bride Deenah, who charmed him with the sexist ankle bones since Mia Khalifa to an explosive party which was sure to blow his top off.

Not all paint a rosy picture of these fem-bots however, Moms Against Fem-bots (MAF, a militant jihadist branch of MADD) took to Twitter to condemn the military industrial complex and accused coalition forces of feeding the hatred against the West and other nebulous criticism.

 

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Cruz for president campaign handing out gloves to help voters avoid negative feelings

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS – Ted Cruz for President Campaign officials located at multiple polling locations throughout Ohio and Illinois are handing out latex gloves on this Super Tuesday 2. All this to combat the ‘gross’ or ‘icky’ feelings people reported having voted for him during the last Super Tuesday.

One such Cruz voter was Melinda Moss, former Army sergeant, devout Christian, and twice-divorced mother of three, describes her experience in the voting booth to her feelings of PTSD she suffered from her experiences in Iraq.

“I went into the booth knowing that Cruz was the right candidate, but I hesitated and voted for the other Mexican fellow… the little one.”

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Tasty latex gloves may also provide voters with gustational as well as tactile post-election soothing

The Cruz campaign’s hope is that these new gloves prepare voters entering the booth with feeling a little insulation from the decision they are making. However, it could backfire if Trump voters have their way.

In related news GlaxoSmithKline, the maker of TUMS®, is expecting a record profit this fiscal year.

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Trump prank leads to alarm over white substance sent to Ted Cruz’s office

Hazardous materials crews were called out to Ted Cruz’s Houston campaign headquarters after a staffer opened a letter containing a white substance.

Donald Trump immediately took responsibility to dissipate alarm and assuage fears. A contrite Trump commented Thursday:

“I admit, it’s just a practical joke that went too far. One of my pages mentioned a common Internet tradition of glorifying pictures of friends wives with your DNA. I decided to honor Mrs. Ted Cruz, since I consider him a friend. Ted can keep it, throw it away, or give it to his wife in hopes of a successful son he can use for future campaign commercials.”

 

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