PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA – US President Barack Obama fresh off of a landmark peace treaty with Iran has extended an olive branch to North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un.
The Supreme Leader received his Edible Arrangement late last night surprising many who didn’t think they delivered in the evenings. Upon receiving the delicious and beautiful arrangement Kim Jong-Un broke into tears sobbing:
“How did he know that I like bunnies”
President Obama confirmed a phone call was received from the Supreme Leader thanking him for the wonderful gift and inviting him to North Korea to see their vast improvement on human rights and nuclear weapons.
WASHINGTON DC – Green skin pigmentation, eyeball piercings, and amputated ring fingers are the current body modification trends of 2016. However, you will have to wait until 2017 if you want the surgery covered by your insurance.
The bipartisan bill, which takes effect January 2017, will require health insurance providers to cover all types of body modifications finally allowing patients to truly become the person they always believed that they were.
Obama announced the bill’s passage at a gathering with mothers who’s children perished due to botched body modification surgeries at a White House Rose Garden ceremony:
“Thanks to this bipartisan bill, no mother will have to worry about the safety of their child’s body modifications no matter how extreme.
Starting in 2017, body modification enthusiasts will no longer have to pay out of pocket or resort to undergo procedures in back alleys giving risk of infection or death.”
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has proposed a similar bill in Canadian parliament which will be voted on in early March.
WASHINGTON, DC – President Barak Obama has officially stepped down as 44th president of the United States as our country welcomes 45th President Joseph Biden.
In a strange occurrence of events, during a separate announcement after Obama’s statement on gun control Monday, the now former president stated in the press conference that he strained his lower back during the winter break, likely due to intense golfing conditions in Hawaii.
“It was the day after Christmas, probably on the 15th hole when I tweaked my lower back on the drive. It’s a particularly long fairway and I swung too hard.”
The president’s press secretary took questions after the resignation, indicating that the president has filed for disability and will likely be able to collect social security early, however at a reduced rate. Obama will still need to wait a year in order to qualify for Denny’s senior discounts as the food chain requires patrons be 55 or older.
Carolyn Colvin, commissioner of the social security administration, live tweeted through the entire event prompting the president to resubmit his form online “@BarakObama please hit the submit button again, we still do not see your submission on our end.”
For his vice president, Joseph Biden has nominated noted economist Alfred E. Neuman. Biden addressed the nation this morning stating that he will indeed run for the Democratic nomination and announced his Vice President and running mate:
“I was just as surprised of yesterday’s events as you were. Firstly, I would like to thank my good friend Barry for believing in me and giving me the opportunity to serve as both vice president and now president. I also want to ensure the country that I have ordered a thorough investigation of the Secret Service to answer why the former president was allowed to play dehydrated on such an intense course.
Lastly, I cannot ignore the hand of God and this feeling that a divine presence is prodding me to run for president. Therefore, I will be seeking out the Democrat nomination and look forward to facing my challengers Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders.”
President Obama today announced a landmark exchange to empower Homeland Security by bolstering the Defense Department’s social media capabilities.
The controversial trade involves transferring sergeant Bowe Bergdahl as a prisoner to the Islamic State (ISIS) in exchange for three of their “social media wiz kids.”
“This move will help our nations security by arming us with some of the worlds leaders on social media and propoganda,” President Obama declared in a Rose Garden ceremony at the White House.
Obama gushed, “It’s rare when diplomacy like this provides a true win-win for both parties. I am told that our enemies [ISIS] have plans for sergeant Bergdahl as an outlet for their hate of the West. Once we overcame the human rights issues of ISIS torturing an American citizen it became a real no-brainer. For instance, his family is supporting this move after realizing him to be a failure as both an American and a son to his family. It’s our hope that they [ISIS] focus their energy on him and away from the West and away from our allies in the Middle East.”
The trade is expected to save the military the expense and turmoil of prosecuting Bowe Bergdahl for war crimes.
The address ended with the president joking that he has it on good authority that ISIS have fun plans in store for Bowe!