White House celebrates International Women’s Day by inviting Hillary Clinton over to smell the leather

WASHINGTON, DC – Former U.S Presidential opponents, Hillary Rodham Clinton and Donald J. Trump, celebrated International Women’s Day (IWD) together to honor her near presidential victory. The former Secretary of State even got to sit in the president’s chair and pose for a picture.

The soiree was made possible by yet another executive order from Mr. Trump. Press Secretary Sean Spicer spoke of the efforts to organize the administration’s festivities to a White House Press Corp, clad in hijabs and burkas, as a protest to the President’s most recent executive order on immigration.

We figured she got so close to winning the Presidency that it wouldn’t be right to not allow her to sit in the Oval Office, kick the tires… you know… smell the leather.

– Sean Spicer, Press Secretary

The former First Lady even got to sit in on a call with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak to have a good laugh about potential meddling in the election.

I played a bit of a prank on her. I said, “Hey, one of your best friends called to wish you a happy Women’s Day!” When she asked who it was, I said it was Uncle Joe [Biden]. You should have seen her wrinkled face when she heard the thick Russian accent on the other line. Good for her, it’s probably the only thick thing she’s received in all of 2017.

-Donald Trump, President of the United States


Cruz for president campaign handing out gloves to help voters avoid negative feelings

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS – Ted Cruz for President Campaign officials located at multiple polling locations throughout Ohio and Illinois are handing out latex gloves on this Super Tuesday 2. All this to combat the ‘gross’ or ‘icky’ feelings people reported having voted for him during the last Super Tuesday.

One such Cruz voter was Melinda Moss, former Army sergeant, devout Christian, and twice-divorced mother of three, describes her experience in the voting booth to her feelings of PTSD she suffered from her experiences in Iraq.

“I went into the booth knowing that Cruz was the right candidate, but I hesitated and voted for the other Mexican fellow… the little one.”

Tasty latex gloves may also provide voters with gustational as well as tactile post-election soothing

The Cruz campaign’s hope is that these new gloves prepare voters entering the booth with feeling a little insulation from the decision they are making. However, it could backfire if Trump voters have their way.

In related news GlaxoSmithKline, the maker of TUMS®, is expecting a record profit this fiscal year.


Trump prank leads to alarm over white substance sent to Ted Cruz’s office

Hazardous materials crews were called out to Ted Cruz’s Houston campaign headquarters after a staffer opened a letter containing a white substance.

Donald Trump immediately took responsibility to dissipate alarm and assuage fears. A contrite Trump commented Thursday:

“I admit, it’s just a practical joke that went too far. One of my pages mentioned a common Internet tradition of glorifying pictures of friends wives with your DNA. I decided to honor Mrs. Ted Cruz, since I consider him a friend. Ted can keep it, throw it away, or give it to his wife in hopes of a successful son he can use for future campaign commercials.”



Trump offers to pay moving expenses for ‘Useless Americans’ who wish to flee to Canada if he’s elected

Republican Presidential candidate Donald J. Trump responded in a press conference to the growing threats of Americans to move to Canada or Denmark if he is elected. This comes on the heels of fading celebrity Miley Cyrus’s emotional plea with America to never vote for Trump.

Miley enjoying a toasty blunt
Esteemed American Miley Cyrus enjoying a toasty blunt

During the press conference he referred to most of the online protesters as “useless druggies” and promised, if elected, he would “personally pay for each and every one of them” to leave the country. Donald Trump offered an expletive laden response to how the United States would move on if Miley Cyrus decides to migrate.

“Look I was very nice to that little c*nt a few years ago when she was going through some personal problems. It was very much a charitable effort on my part because the reality is that Miley has zero talent.

Actually, if you look up the word ‘condom’ in the dictionary, any dictionary, there’s a picture of Miley Cyrus. Not because she is a c*m dumpster for old music producers, although it’s true. No it’s because you don’t reuse something that is disposable, of course not it’s disgusting… you throw it away.”


Ted Cruz seeking friends, joins Big Brothers Big Sisters

HOUSTON, TEXAS – Big Brothers Big Sisters of Houston welcomed new member U.S. Senator Ted Cruz on Friday who is aiming to prove Trump wrong on the accusation that he has no friends.

“Donald has no idea what he’s talking about. All of my family including my children are my friends. Certainly there are perception issues that we are wrangling with and I’m sure many of these children will want to be friends with a US Senator.

The senator welcomed by tepid children at first until displaying his vaunted charisma and holding out some candy offering to take them to the mall or buy them any game that wasn’t rated M (mature). Upon being welcomed by a new adopted little brother he gloated:

I’m delighted to have the company of this new friend and little brother Bobby. Someone who doesn’t mind joining me at a prayer breakfast, church potluck or hang around the house and play the Wii. I have one heck of a backhand on Wii tennis though I have to warn you.”


Disney World unveils thrilling new Low Energy Jeb Bush Rollercoaster

ORLANDO, FLORIDA – Presidential candidate Jeb Bush took a break from the political campaign Friday to return to his home state of Florida joining Walt Disney Parks and Resorts Inc representatives announcing a thrilling new ride for the entire family.  The ‘Low Energy Jeb Bush’ rollercoaster is expected to round out the amusement park’s children rides and was described as the “safe choice for children” with “inoffensively wide appeal”:

“We’re thrilled to announce the first rollercoaster designed with safety first.  The Low Energy ride will be both our most exciting and slowest rollercoaster with a personal guarantee to never cause nausea,whiplash or any unpleasant feelings whatsoever.”

The ride is expected to arrive in Disney World Orlando by summer 2016.

UPDATE: Donald Trump has responded to his opponents new rollercoasters

“His rollercoaster is an absolutely embarrassment for all Americans, only a p*ssy would take a ride on anything with the name Bush on it.

Next year when I’m elected president I will commission Six Flags to build a rollercoaster which will guarantee loss of limb or death.”


Dick Cheney open to Vice Presidency if Jeb is Nominee

NEW HAMPSHIRE – Former Vice President Dick Cheney has left his home in Montana to join Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush on the campaign trail in New Hampshire which has many thinking this is a hint at his possible availability for vice president.

“Besides fly fishing, being a retired vice president isn’t as exciting as you would think. Jeb knows I’ll be waiting by the phone when I arrive home. None of the other Republicans on stage have as much experience serving as vice president as I do.  I’ve been in touch with Rummy [Donald Rumsfeld] and I think we can put one hell of a cabinet together.”

Cheney waiting by phone for VP nod
Cheney waiting by phone for VP nod

Cheney who has mostly been silent through the Republican nomination process has announced his preference for the Republican nominee and disdain for frontrunner Donald Trump stating: “Donald Trump is a joke, he’s an isolationist and frankly he’s the only candidate that would make me switch parties to vote for Hillary.”

This echoing sentiments of his good friend and Saudi Arabian Prince Alawaleed bin Taleel who took to Twitter:

CORRECTION: Mr. Cheney does not reside in Montana, but in Wyoming, the other irrelevant state. -bm


‘Unsure’ Delivers Strong Debate Performance Surpasses Jeb Bush

SOUTH CAROLINA – With the 2016 debate coming to a close, the clear winner of the sixth Republican debate appears to be Unsure.  Post debate polls currently have Unsure surpassing Jeb Bush rising to fifth position in the race.

  1. Trump – 36%
  2. Cruz – 19%
  3. Rubio – 12%
  4. Carson – 6%
  5. Unsure – 5%
  6. Bush – 4%

Delivering some of the strongest lines of the evening, Unknown insulted Rubio’s “short and boyish” features claiming that he wasn’t “strong enough to defeat Hillary.” Other insults accused Ben Carson of being “on morphine, he looks more drugged than one of Bill Cosby’s victims” and called Trump “weak on immigration.”

The largest applause from the evening was when Chris Christie entered the stage wearing a lobster bib and began the debate eating an entire lobster complete with lemon and butter.


7 Things Donald Trump Has In Common With Your Abuelo

NEW HAMPSHIRE – The Donald Trump for President Campaign revealing a list of seven things that the presidential hopeful has in common with your Hispanic grandfather (abuelo).  This move is likely to counter Hillary Clinton’s list of “7 things Hillary Clinton has in common with your abuela.”  Trump took to Twitter earlier today hinting at the campaign’s first olive branch for the Hispanic community:

“Hillary Clinton thinks that she has more in common with your abuela than me?  She has to be kidding, I have more in common with both your abuela and abuelo!

Hillary is a loser, once I am done with her she will pleading misericordia and calling me abuelo!”

Trump’s Twitter comments were well received by the Hispanic community, a first, many commending him through Twitter on his use of Spanish.  FACT: Trump translated to Spanish means Triunfo

Everyone loves Abuelo – even this woman

Here you go, Trump’s list of “7 things Trump has in common with your Abuelo”:

  1. His love of foreign women – Yes, he shares your grand papa’s fondness for immigrant women, proof that he loves all people but there’s a special place in his heart for beautiful immigrant women (FACT: two-thirds of Trump’s wives were immigrants!)
  2. Work ethic – The Donald’s work ethic is second to none for a caucasian. In his younger days, this led to people to believe that he was actually part Hispanic.
  3. Works in the hotel industry – The great Triunfo owns much property including hotels and casinos which employs many of our nations abuelos and abuelas alike as dishwashers and housekeeping.
  4. Large Family – Trump’s family gatherings are huge; he has a whopping 5 children (twice the national average) and 7 grandchildren!
  5. He Plays the Lottery – Think rich people don’t play the lottery?  Think again, “I play Powerball once a week.  I don’t know why people find it so surprising, who doesn’t want to get a little bit richer?”  He considers all the other lotteries as “chump change- not worth my time!”
  6. Love of Mexican Food – Your future president loves all ethnic food but especially Mexican food. Donald even has recently agreed to join Geraldo Rivera at a Mexican restaurant to discuss his tone towards the Hispanic community.  His personal favorite Mexican dish is Lasagna.
  7. Donald Had a Donkey as a Child – “It may surprise many people but where I grew up in Brooklyn, we had a small yard.  One year, my father received a donkey as a security deposit from one of his tenants.  My father was a generous man who only accepted the donkey because it was Christmas time and he felt bad for the family.  It was a pretty brutal winter so the donkey froze to death.  He had no choice but to evict the family; it’s actually a very sad story.”