Leaked DNC emails expose conspiracy to lower Bernie primary turnout by handing out ‘Pot Brownies’

WikiLeaks has released a new trove of leaked DNC emails outlining what appears to be a conspired attack on Bernie Sanders months ago during state party primaries. The plan seemed to prey on a common strain amongst Bernie voters: their love of THC.

The shocking emails include Evite invitations sent on behalf of what has now been discovered as fake Bernie Sander campaign organizers. Events titled: “Get your Pre-Bern On!” solicited millennials with weed parties which would include: dubys, pot brownies and hinted at speeches from popular Tumplr personalities.

Pre-Bern EvitePre-Bern Evite Message

One specific attendee of these events, who asked that we keep their identity confidential, lamented the quality of the baked goods and entertainment.

“The brownies were obviously a cheap box mix. Oh and the Tumblr speakers? They basically just setup a Macbook Pro and played our favorite videos on sexual identity politics it was very disappointing! I regretted it immediately when I woke up and realized that Bernie had lost New York.”


Hillary Clinton calls on sexist Bernie Sanders to stop preventing history, sexist phallic attacks

FLINT, MICHIGAN – Mother, philanthropist, former Secretary of State and Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton took to town hall in Flint Michigan to defend herself against a recent barrage of sexist attacks from Senator Bernie Sanders on Tuesday calling him to step out of the race for the good of history.

During the latest debate Bernie Sanders prevented Mrs. Clinton’s multiple attempts at interjecting herself into his answers by using chauvinistic hand gestures including mimicking his phallus with his index finger.

“Frankly I’m sick and tired of the senator’s sexist attacks on my character and limiting my time speaking at the debate. His most recent gestures are his worst and his behavior is becoming alarming. We all know he wouldn’t be talking to me like that if I was a man.”

Bernie Sanders using sexist finger gestures towards Secretary of State Clinton
Bernie Sanders using sexist finger gestures towards the face of Secretary of State Clinton

Near the end of the speech Secretary Clinton called for the senator to stop his campaign against women by ending his campaign for the Democratic nomination.

“I’m calling for Senator Sanders to stop his campaign against women, right here and right now on International Women’s Day, and be on the right side of history.”


Bernie Sanders Promises Free Lollipops for Crying, Disenfranchised

NEW HAMPSHIRE – Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is taking a play out of a pediatrician’s playbook.  Discussing domestic issues at a teen homeless shelter in New Hampshire, the presidential hopeful told an audience that if elected they would all get a free lollipop.

“Many of you were told NO as a child, I am here to tell you YES…. YES you can!  If I’m elected, we will tax those fat cats on Wall Street so that no crying child or adult will be denied a lolly!”

Bernie Sanders, who is running neck to neck with Hillary Clinton, was greeted by a group of hipsters and teen runaways at Responsibility Starts with Others, an activist teen shelter whose mission is to never tell a child or teen the word “no”, something the residents heard one too many times from their parents.

One such resident, Peach Marx, explained the allure of Sanders:

“He’s like the grandfather that never told us NO.  We come from homes with fascist parents and schools attempting to indoctrinate us in capitalism and colonialism. Bernie is giving hope that we can be lazy in America.”

Concerns highlighted by the teens included grants of new federal rights including a free Netflix subscription, MacBooks and cellular service.


Hillary Proposes Free University to Fight ISIS

While campaigning at a roadside diner Saturday afternoon in Iowa, presidential nominee hopeful Hillary Rodham Clinton proposed a global plan to provide adults wanting to return to college free tuition as a measure to “decrease terrorism and deter extremism” worldwide.

“Clearly ISIS is inspired by the average American’s pig-igornance towards Middle Eastern culture and radical Islam in general.” Clinton went on to add that her plan would also require public K-12 schools to teach “Sharia law, to help bridge the irrational fear against Wahhabism.” To maintain enrollment, female circumcision may be mandatory in some districts while immunizations will be voluntary.

Clinton meeting with Libyan benefactor of her tenure as Secretary State
Clinton meeting with Libyan beneficiary of her tenure as Secretary State

The latest move by Hillary Clinton is seen as a outflanking maneuver against competing Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders’ most recent plan to fight ISIS with “free healthcare for the Middle East.” “That is just too exclusive,” explained Clinton.


Silver Alert Issued for Bernie Sanders

During a press conference, Burlington Vermont police chief, Brandon del Pozo, told the press that the presidential candidate has not been seen for at least two days. “Bernie has not been seen by members of his staff or family for what is going on 48 hours. As of this morning, we have issued a Silver Alert to locate Mr Sanders. There are concerns about his health and wellbeing considering he hasn’t taken his medication for this period of time.”



New reports of witnesses seeing what may be the missing presidential candidate. Witness accounts report seeing someone matching the description of an elderly man with white guilt in the affluent Burlington suburb of New North End, reportedly peeping or staring into peoples’ homes. If you have any information which can help the police, please contact the Burlington police at 802-658-2704.