Los Angeles, CA – The new fledging startup eQuity has announced a first in it’s class, an online auction where privilege can be bought and sold. Billionaire investor Peter Thiel delivered a powerful presentation of the new shopping experience which hopes to dethrone eBay which he also cofounded.
Of the services on the site able to buy and sell will not be strictly race privilege but alto include: straight, cisgender, monogamous, blonde, blue eyed, natural born citizen, royalty and God fearing privileges. Minorities will also be able to sell services on the site which will include allowing majorities the use of offensive terms. The use of such privileges will be provided by eQuity in the form of a passport where the user, upon being confronted by someone regarding their privilege, will be able to show their passport to allow use of such words.
Peter Thiel explained that eQuity was inspired by the story of teenager Mimi Groves who was cancelled by her university and cheerleading squad over the use of the n-word when she was 15 years old when classmate saved one of her snapchat stories of her using the racial slur. Unfortunately for Mimi these privileges will not be retroactive so for the current time she will continue to be radioactive for future employers and universities.
In a shared address former federal senate candidate Billy Hancock with the media standing by his wife Angela Hancock. Just two weeks from a scandal that rocked his family showed photos of him with two women in the low end motel chain Days Inn. Sobbing in front of his wife of 30 years Billy admitted to having sex with the 2 women coming out of the closet as a straight cisgender male.
“I’m very sorry to my loving wife of 30 years who has put up with me for all the good times and bad. I have no idea how she deals with the shame of me coming out as straight and not using the conventional political approach from my Democrat colleagues of using butt boys.”
Electronic Arts (EA), announced Friday the company’s first fully woke video game named White Savior. At a press release at the Redwood City cemetery in front of the toppled statue of representing a Yankee union soldier. EA’s CEO Andrew Wilson announced the release after a Black Lives Matter ceremony while taking a knee and asking forgiveness for “not doing more.”
“Listen before we go further into the details of this video game, which I must say is quite brilliant I wanted to take a knee in front of a person from each disenfranchised group that I was told by HR was disenfranchised. I have in front of me a bisexual African American, a Native American dragon kin, an incarcerated child molester and Elizabeth Warren. I ask you on a single knee for your forgiveness.”
After the touching ceremony the CEO, who professed to not actually playing video games, handed the press conference over to Greg Miller to outline the new revolutionary game which has a similar structure as games such as Civilization except that instead of spreading colonialization you fight to stop it.
“We thought it would be fun to make a game the speaks to the girls on Tumblr. We call them our woke fam. Just imagine if America didn’t exist as it does today? If this huge mistake of colonizing every continent on the planet just didn’t happen… if EA didn’t happen.
You will play the chief of a woke tribe, it will be similar to other historical simulated games there will be resource gathering however here the resources will be spray paint cans and bricks. You will also be allowed to interact with the native populations teaching them the benefits of experimenting with your sexuality, cosplay and the virtues of gender studies.”
Californian religious leader Charles M Manson (AKA Slim Kitty) is facing fresh sexual misconduct allegations even before his body has the chance to fully mature into soil.
Manson, not only known, for his spiritualism but also musical ballads including White Rasta, The Love & Terror Cult and The Summer of Hate. However, his sterling reputation is now being called into question when an anonymous former member of his religious order have accused him of having unwanted skin on skin contact with them.
It was during our midnight prayer circle. He usually stand there and instructs us on who to wish death upon, when he proceeded to walk towards me grabbing my shoulder, then leaning down he put his cheek against my cheek and made an unwanted sexual advance that I would rather not say.
At that moment I started to wonder what kind of person Charles really was. I mean wishing deaths on Jews and colored folk were one thing but I wasn’t about to take him touching me in that way
Reactions on shocking allegations against Manson
Religious centers and grammar schools across the country assisted local communities dealing with the crisis to millions of fans facing the probability that Manson was responsible for reprehensible acts against not just any human beings but women. However, the reactions from the political landscape have been varied.
President Donald Trump, when asked about the fresh allegations on Fox & Friends, responded that he “didn’t care for his music so much but crazy Charles had better than decent taste in women.”
The future governor of California Gavin Newsom at a state-run LGBTQ+ daycare center brought harsher words on the Bakersfield bard: “I’m disappointed that someone from the great state of California and a gifted spiritual pioneer could be responsible for such depraved acts”
Former husband Naval Officer and best friend to nobody Steve Bannon when asked refused to comment.
THE BRONX, NY – Parkchester’s favored son and aspiring rap star Jaroam (“J-Whitey”) White just made his first million by giving up his childhood dream of being a mega rap star, trading his passion for the turntable for a digital paintbrush.
Normally I’d start my mornin’s handin’ out demo tapes. Bus stations, subway platforms, even through storm drains. End up givin’ out the rest at 42nd (PABT). Outta nowhere this white motherfucka hands me a laptop and tells me I should be using it to make my music. You believe that shit? I couldn’t get my tapes to work on it.
April 2nd his life was changed forever to this grandmaster of flash when he discovered pbrush.exe on his Windows ME laptop. A new era began when he drew his first meme of Pepe the Frog.
Shit that’s when I made my FIRST cool million. I just finished watching my cousin’s web cam, she pretty hot. I lit a pipe up on my stove burner and churned out my first Pepe free handing with the trackball. Was so sweet when I got 1 million up votes. Shit I started thinkin’, maybe this is what I was put on this earth for. I’m just doing what God gave me the talent to do.
Hell, I don’t need to leave the housing complex since we got free wifi. I’m doin’ the Lord’s work.
Jaroame has since moved onto YouTube stardom since discovering his laptop had a web cam. His podcast now “How Come?” airs with his cousin Tamiqua “Tam-Clam” White on her web cam once a week tackling tough topics such as urban life, congenital birth defects and sickle-cell anemia.
WASHINGTON, DC – Former U.S Presidential opponents, Hillary Rodham Clinton and Donald J. Trump, celebrated International Women’s Day (IWD) together to honor her near presidential victory. The former Secretary of State even got to sit in the president’s chair and pose for a picture.
The soiree was made possible by yet another executive order from Mr. Trump. Press Secretary Sean Spicer spoke of the efforts to organize the administration’s festivities to a White House Press Corp, clad in hijabs and burkas, as a protest to the President’s most recent executive order on immigration.
We figured she got so close to winning the Presidency that it wouldn’t be right to not allow her to sit in the Oval Office, kick the tires… you know… smell the leather.
– Sean Spicer, Press Secretary
The former First Lady even got to sit in on a call with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak to have a good laugh about potential meddling in the election.
I played a bit of a prank on her. I said, “Hey, one of your best friends called to wish you a happy Women’s Day!” When she asked who it was, I said it was Uncle Joe [Biden]. You should have seen her wrinkled face when she heard the thick Russian accent on the other line. Good for her, it’s probably the only thick thing she’s received in all of 2017.
TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA – Local resident Giuseppe Lombarde, known to his friends as “Gus”, passed away nearly one month to this day at the ripe age of 92. However, it was not until Monday afternoon that his will was read aloud to his family and friends by his attorney and best friend Patrick “Paddy” O’Mahoney that everyone learned he left his entire estate to the Sacred Heart of Tampa Bay, FL.
Gus was a regular during the Sunday morning mass at the Sacred Heart where he deposited thick white envelopes into the offering, was seen “dressing to the nines” all days of the week, and for decades built and expanded upon a vault converted from a Cold War era bomb shelter. These behaviors led many in his family and the community to believe he was quite wealthy.
Local resident Pam Tillerson explained the mischaracterization:
“Gus could light up a room, he was always wearing some kind of tie and really nice shoes. Most people around here wear flip flops and shorts but not old Gus. Ladies were always trying to pick him up but he was loyal to his deceased wife Beatrice. I think a lot of people thought he was hoarding gemstones, gold rings or maybe even moon pies cause he was constantly expanding the f%!@ing vault.”
His children and extended family, initially devastated to learn they were not to inherit contents of the vault, were later relieved. The vault contained nothing but raw Appalachian coal.
Letters left behind by Gus explain the eccentric behavior of coal hoarding as a simple misunderstanding of the earth’s outstanding resources. Gus subscribed to many conspiracy theories during his life including one dating back to the 60’s referred to as “Peak Coal” convincing him the earth was running out of coal. Believing future generations would be fighting for coal he thought the value of coal would exceed that of diamonds and that one day he would be sitting on a diamond mine.
His deceased wife’s letters revealed even more as she wrote in the 70’s that he believed that he was already sitting on “5 billion dollars worth of diamonds of the future.” He believed he was already a billionaire so he was merely dressing and acting the part.
From what Gus’s surviving relatives can piece together he financed his operations coal hoarding habits by setting aside $84 of his $980.72 Social Security paycheck. Once a month he would visit the local shipyard where they would fill his 1964 El Camino with as much coal as they could fit. Eventually Gus had more coal than his woodshed could hold and before long he was converting his bomb shelter into a vault and…. the rest is history.
UPDATE: The Sacred Heart released a statement regretfully declining any interest in probating Gus’s will citing the legal costs for probate and the costs to have the coal moved exceeds the value of the future diamonds.
First lady Michelle Obama and her attorneys filed legal papers at Dallas County probate courthouse early Monday morning for sole guardianship of former president George W Bush. The president and first lady have taken up living with the former president part time shortly after the 43rd president fell of the wagon yet again and continued down his sad path of alcoholism.
At a press conference near the courthouse Michelle Obama explained the conditions surrounding the former president during a routine visit. She discovered that Bush’s wife, Laura Bush, had moved out entirely, removing all the furniture leaving Bush 43 with nothing except some Ikea furniture which will remain half assembled since the instructions were torn to pieces. The first lady explained the atrocious conditions in the tearful address to press near the courthouse.
“Living in an 8,000 square foot home with nothing to keep him company except for his baseball cards and his love for liquor. She had taken everything including animal remains from the yard, I haven’t seen that many open pet graves since Pet Cemetery.
No person, let alone a former president, should have to live in conditions worse than some of the soup kitchens I have volunteered in. There were pizza boxes in the living room all the way up to the ceiling.
Fortunately we’ve been able to get him down to 1 bottle of Hennessy per day. What kind of human being drinks more Hennessy than Kanye West?”
Once guardianship has been granted, the first lady looks forward to serving as full time caregiver enrolling the former president in adult daycare facilities and taking him to bingo.
Freshly single Anthony Weiner is taking his wiener to your inbox, that is if his new social network startup finds its target. The embroiled Weiner, a former New York representative, speaking as CEO for “Anthony’s Wiener LLC”, announced new cutting edge technology that will power the Brooklyn startup.
Prospective investors were lured to a symposium at the Sheraton in Brooklyn featuring cocktails, kolaches and nude canvases of the former congressman. Speaking to investors Weiner outlined the opportunity at hand:
“As investors you understand how hard this market is right now but believe me when I promise you that this is a rare opportunity to squeeze your seed into a tight market. We have a finite number of opportunities and you want to get in before we explode because it’s going to be huge.
This is a ground floor opportunity people, the basement of opportunity and like most investment risks it will be jarring at first but I promise you will not regret the heart pounding experiences.
Our technology is already vastly superior to Facebook and Twitter. As I speak, our expert team of developers are on all fours pouring blood sweat and tears into the backend but don’t think for a minute that we’re neglecting the front-end.”
Anthony’s Wiener will be the first social media network of its kind which allows you to “friend” only one person: Anthony Weiner. Early subscribers of the service will receive early and exclusive access to selfies of him in various poses including: in his underwear, out of his underwear, getting out of a pool, showering, working out, close up shots with a tape measure and enjoying leisure time with his family.
Flaccid versions of Anthony’s Wiener will be available in the fall on both Android and iPhone.
After four difficult seasons for Comedy Central struggling to find cast members, extras or homeless people to navigate their way into Amy Schumer, ‘Inside Amy Schumer’ was cancelled. This after the federal government’s department of Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has declared Amy Schumer to be an occupational hazard. Comedy Central revealed its lack of surprise in the following press release:
“We were first made aware of the hazardous material [Amy Schumer] one year ago and made several attempts to clean up the waste. All major waste disposal companies were consulted however, none were willing assume the contractural risk. We weren’t at all surprised when OSHA contacted us last week to shut down the set. The EPA will begin the process of securing the set for Inside Amy Schumer so that no further injuries occur and so that the toxic waste doesn’t spread.”
Amy Schumer, who started her illustrious career with penis jokes, revealed in an exclusive interview, that she’s a virgin trapped in the body of a whore.
“Yea… look that’s what the lower back tattoo was all about. I thought if I acted like a chick that’s been around the block, I would literally get laid around my block. Artistically what our show was expressing [Inside Amy Schumer] was the need for me to get some D, you know? Unfortunately nobody ever got to find out what’s inside of me and now I’m tied up with so much government red tape that I can’t even move off set.
If I can be completely honest, I’m so sick of trying to get laid. Do you realize how many minutes a day I spend taking care of this beaver? Literally, you have no idea! To this day, I even refuse to even wash my hands after I go to the restroom because I spend so much time downstairs getting it ready that if a guy wants me that bad, he can just deal… you feel?”
UPDATE: Comedy Central is reportedly working on a new crossover show with Discovery Channel titled: The Smelliest Snatch set to air Spring 2017, it is unknown if Schumer will be staring.