Michelle Obama files for sole guardianship of George W citing alcoholism, abandonment

First lady Michelle Obama and her attorneys filed legal papers at Dallas County probate courthouse early Monday morning for sole guardianship of former president George W Bush. The president and first lady have taken up living with the former president part time shortly after the 43rd president fell of the wagon yet again and continued down his sad path of alcoholism.

At a press conference near the courthouse Michelle Obama explained the conditions surrounding the former president during a routine visit. She discovered that Bush’s wife, Laura Bush, had moved out entirely, removing all the furniture leaving Bush 43 with nothing except some Ikea furniture which will remain half assembled since the instructions were torn to pieces. The first lady explained the atrocious conditions in the tearful address to press near the courthouse.

“Living in an 8,000 square foot home with nothing to keep him company except for his baseball cards and his love for liquor. She had taken everything including animal remains from the yard, I haven’t seen that many open pet graves since Pet Cemetery.

No person, let alone a former president, should have to live in conditions worse than some of the soup kitchens I have volunteered in. There were pizza boxes in the living room all the way up to the ceiling.

Fortunately we’ve been able to get him down to 1 bottle of Hennessy per day. What kind of human being drinks more Hennessy than Kanye West?”

Once guardianship has been granted, the first lady looks forward to serving as full time caregiver enrolling the former president in adult daycare facilities and taking him to bingo.