OTTAWA, CANADA – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau signed a landmark law Monday making it the first country to ban the activity known the world over as “piggy back rides”.
“In light of the incendiary hate crime in the United States committed by failed comedian Ellen Degeneres ‘shopping herself on Usain Bolt’s back, I have signed this new Hate Crime legislation against ‘piggy back rides.’ Bigots like Ellen are not welcome in the True North, Strong and Free. She and her Confederate Flag waving hate-mongers can stay in Alabama, where they belong.” -Justin Trudeau, early Monday
Nearly all Canadians approve the measure, as some see it as a way to protect Canadian children from overly enthusiastic parenting. Just three weeks earlier a tragic injury of a little toddler in Edmonton which caused a severe ankle sprain rocked the nation.
“…in Canada, it’s unacceptable that any child gets injured without at least one new law being passed. That is why this edict requires that if a piggy back ride is to take place, it must be of the same race, gender, and between consenting adults with a notarized letter of consent.” -Justin Trudeau, as he marched to a waiting limo
Canada has long been the pioneer of child safety laws including outlawing spankings, corporal punishment, baby walkers, comic books that depict illegal acts, removing bandages in public and building large snowmen (yes all confirmed to be true). It is unclear if the next step is to make all of these hate crimes, or only to be declared a hate crime if a Holy Bible is found in the home.
As America continues to look to our brothers to the north for the latest many techniques, Canada is one step further along in Utopia.