Sudden Yoga Death Syndrome devastates San Francisco, Seattle

The West Coast is bracing for continued casualties as FEMA announced a state of emergency in both San Francisco and Seattle after thousands of adults participating in yoga have begun dying of what appears to be extreme and sustained boredom. Cumulative death tolls tragically reached 4,300 by Thursday afternoon and President Obama has warned that total death counts may reach 10,000 by time congress can pass a law banning or at least heavily regulating yoga.

Sudden Yoga Death Syndrome (SYDS) started afflicting young to middle age affluent urban Caucasian Americans early last week where it spread to similar demographics in the Asian community. Everyone on the West Coast is being warned to not only avoid yoga studios but also independent coffee shops, spin classes and Improv until the Centers for Disease Control identifies the exact cause of SYDS. As researchers begin studying the disease, one puzzling fact they are working on is understanding the only groups with known immunity to SYDS, males with sickle-cell anemia and those who rely on public transportation.

In other news: Lululemon (LULU) stocks are trading down 98% for the day at $1.44/share.