John Kasich ends presidential bid, accepts full-time role on Sesame Street

Sunny days, sweeping the clouds away? Governor John Kasich, former congressman and seldom relevant Republican from Ohio, has his eyes set on a new career in children’s television after his doomed campaign finally ends.

“Ever since Sesame Street sold out and jumped ship to HBO I knew they have finally come around to the capitalist way of thinking. I believe with my sing-songy speech patterns, idioms, and a few insipid sayings borrowed from President George W. Bush I can really make a dent on a quasi-human character on our beloved children’s classic.”

Sesame Street cast and crew remain mum on this jarring public speculation of a new addition, keeping the secret tighter than Elmo actor Kevin Clash’s alleged transgressions with under-aged homosexual teen-aged sex partners.

An insider speaking on condition of anonymity commented:

“There was a certain buzz about getting a republican on the set with us, of course most of it negative with many of the old timers fearing deportation or muppets being slaughtered for toupees if it were Donald Trump. Best case scenario we would have gotten the Elder Bush to channel Mr. Rogers and have a weekly story time reading bit. We’d have gotten George W. but considering his luck with children’s stories we felt it best not to give him a call.”