California raises minimum wage to $100/hr retroactively to 1960

SACRAMENT, CALIFORNIA – In a landmark move for pay equity in America, California Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill raising the state’s minimum wage to $100/hr. This coming only three days after the state’s passage of a $15/hr minimum wage was deemed insufficient and subsequently met with violent protests and 5 deaths. This latest move, lauded by the treasury department, is expected to bring the Golden State record surpluses as more people move up into the 45% tax bracket.

The protests (which broke out Monday evening) seemed to calm down last night after the California National Guard distributed brownies wrapped in hemp paper announcing the $100/hr minimum wage. The bill’s passage has finally squelched three days of guerrilla warfare by protestors wearing Che Guevara and Bernie Sanders paraphernalia.

Lennon & Che
John Lennon & Che Guevara jam session after expunging a few Nixon supporters

Two key provisions of the bill’s passage were to handcuff companies from leaving the state and making the minimum wage hike retroactive to January 1st 1960, which would result in back pay for workers who have been underpaid for decades. Additionally, companies will not be able to leave the state of California for any of the other 49 states, with an exception of offshoring work to one of three designated third world progressive countries including: Mexico, Venezuela and Brazil.

UPDATE: In response to criticism from the California Small Business Administration in regards to the inability of small business to compensate current and former employees for backpay, the state has announced new provisions to help small business in California to continue limp along and struggle to make ends meet.

“We’re pleased to announce that the state of California will be providing support to small businesses who owe $850,000 or more in backpay to employees. Our new state sponsored home-equity loans will help provide small businesses with liquidity necessary to continue running their businesses. Alternatively, small business owners may liquidate their personal retirement accounts such as 401k or Roth IRAs for a one time penalty of 15%.”