Bernie Sanders Promises Free Lollipops for Crying, Disenfranchised

NEW HAMPSHIRE – Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is taking a play out of a pediatrician’s playbook.  Discussing domestic issues at a teen homeless shelter in New Hampshire, the presidential hopeful told an audience that if elected they would all get a free lollipop.

“Many of you were told NO as a child, I am here to tell you YES…. YES you can!  If I’m elected, we will tax those fat cats on Wall Street so that no crying child or adult will be denied a lolly!”

Bernie Sanders, who is running neck to neck with Hillary Clinton, was greeted by a group of hipsters and teen runaways at Responsibility Starts with Others, an activist teen shelter whose mission is to never tell a child or teen the word “no”, something the residents heard one too many times from their parents.

One such resident, Peach Marx, explained the allure of Sanders:

“He’s like the grandfather that never told us NO.  We come from homes with fascist parents and schools attempting to indoctrinate us in capitalism and colonialism. Bernie is giving hope that we can be lazy in America.”

Concerns highlighted by the teens included grants of new federal rights including a free Netflix subscription, MacBooks and cellular service.