Chipotle Prepares to Remove Popular Viruses from Menu

DENVER, CO – Chipotle Mexican Grill, Inc (CMG), announced Sunday that the national chain restaurant would be discontinuing it’s most popular viruses from the menu.

“Within the next three months we will be phasing out our old viruses in favor of new viruses.  The decision to remove our most ordered menu items including E. coli, Norovirus and Salmonella was difficult however as you all know the FDA’s ruling will not allow us to poison our customers with known viruses.”

Chipotle’s stock has taken surprising turn southward losing 35% in the last 3 months as their customers alternate between hospital visits and restroom breaks.  We talked with many loyal Chipotle customers in the Boston area who are concerned that the new viruses will lack the flavor of the old viruses.  One local in particular stated emphatically:

“I eat Chipotle for lunch everyday, you know why?  No, it’s not to stay in shape or to stay off the toilet, it’s because it tastes good, that’s why!”

UPDATE: Boston’s health officials say they will allow the chain to reopen the location which poisoned 136 people on the condition that they eliminate E. coli and Norovirus from the Boston franchises immediately.  Additionally, Salmonella will need to be phased out between 6-8 weeks.