New Study Finds Global Warming Causes “Rednecks”

In a statement from the United States Attorney General’s office, it has been determined that there is a connection between Global Warming and the uptick of Southern Hostility or “Rednecks.”  This weeks after similar connections were made between Global Warming and terrorism.

Loretta Lynch stated: “Like with ISIL we are finding that in deep rural parts of the south that Global Warming was a threat multiplier.  We have intelligence in some areas which are completely off of the grid where the Cajun people’s swamp shacks are no longer surrounded by water.”

Attorney General Loretta Lynch discussing ISHIL
Attorney General Loretta Lynch discussing ISHIL

The Obama administration has continued to take pressure for not doing more against the Illiterate Southern Hostility of Inbred and Lead-poisoned (ISHIL).

Lynch continued: “This has forced the locals to convert their swamp shacks into deer stands which not only has long term effects on the local ecosystems but has caused an increase in gun ownership in gulf coast states such as Louisiana.  However what’s more concerning than the recent spike ISHIL gun ownership is their affinity for fringe presidential candidates such as Ted Cruz.”

The Obama administration is currently mulling executive orders at slowing the growth of ISHIL and has stated that every measure is “on the table.”  At least one of the plans was leaked to the press on Tuesday morning which is aimed at ISHIL recruitment areas such as Walmart, limiting people in southern states to one trip to Walmart per week.

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