“I know it was you, Ted. You broke my heart. You broke my heart.”
Conservative commentator Glenn Beck was reportedly caught on camera this Tuesday evening enjoying an ‘All-You-Can-Eat’ buffet at Golden Corral, breaking his Ted Cruz inspired fast allegedly due to watching primary election results coming in. This just one day after beginning a fast to help the Republican hopeful win Indiana.
Began my fast for the nation a few hours ago.
Join me. #tuesdayfast
— Glenn Beck (@glennbeck) May 3, 2016
Upon being confronted over the failure to complete his fast, Beck did admit that he had to break his fast due to stress, however, he highly recommended the roast beef and macaroni & cheese.
SHIT, IN – Friday saw Carly Fiorina joined Ted Cruz in Some Hurting Industrial Town (SHIT) in Indiana for a major campaign announcement. The G.O.P. hopefuls unveiled several high level cabinet positions available for bidding thanks to a partnership with Ebay.
Carly Fiorina, the ousted CEO of HP and failed Republican nominee, opined that her recent colossal failures have removed the roadblocks of shame, and that pairing with Cruz was a match made in heaven:
“People keep asking me if joining the Cruz campaign stripped me of my dignity. I want to respond to those accusations right now and say: ‘how dare you!’.
This reminds me of when I was CEO of Hewlitt Packard and we acquired Compaq who coincidentally resided in Ted Cruz’s home state. Now when I made the (albeit easy decision) to offshore thousands of jobs from Houston, people attacked me. But I did what I always do and I stood up for my convictions of outsourcing American jobs! And now as I stand before you I urge you all to join me in opening your wallets.”
Senator Cruz joined his vice president hopeful with plenty of praise as he revealed plans that are affordable enough for all Americans to have a role in his campaign:
“In this world, unlikable people need to stick together, after all isn’t that what being a Texan is all about?
Now as Carly mentioned we have many high level positions such as Secretary of State and Attorney General available I want to reiterate that this is not about money, in fact we still have plenty of Cruz Crew Deputy Delegate name tags available for donations under $1,000.
This will be the first political appointment decided on Ebay, where the auction is set to start Monday, May 2nd and run until Sunday, May 8th.
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS – Ted Cruz for President Campaign officials located at multiple polling locations throughout Ohio and Illinois are handing out latex gloves on this Super Tuesday 2. All this to combat the ‘gross’ or ‘icky’ feelings people reported having voted for him during the last Super Tuesday.
One such Cruz voter was Melinda Moss, former Army sergeant, devout Christian, and twice-divorced mother of three, describes her experience in the voting booth to her feelings of PTSD she suffered from her experiences in Iraq.
“I went into the booth knowing that Cruz was the right candidate, but I hesitated and voted for the other Mexican fellow… the little one.”
The Cruz campaign’s hope is that these new gloves prepare voters entering the booth with feeling a little insulation from the decision they are making. However, it could backfire if Trump voters have their way.
In related news GlaxoSmithKline, the maker of TUMS®, is expecting a record profit this fiscal year.
Hazardous materials crews were called out to Ted Cruz’s Houston campaign headquarters after a staffer opened a letter containing a white substance.
Donald Trump immediately took responsibility to dissipate alarm and assuage fears. A contrite Trump commented Thursday:
“I admit, it’s just a practical joke that went too far. One of my pages mentioned a common Internet tradition of glorifying pictures of friends wives with your DNA. I decided to honor Mrs. Ted Cruz, since I consider him a friend. Ted can keep it, throw it away, or give it to his wife in hopes of a successful son he can use for future campaign commercials.”
HOUSTON, TEXAS – Big Brothers Big Sisters of Houston welcomed new member U.S. Senator Ted Cruz on Friday who is aiming to prove Trump wrong on the accusation that he has no friends.
“Donald has no idea what he’s talking about. All of my family including my children are my friends. Certainly there are perception issues that we are wrangling with and I’m sure many of these children will want to be friends with a US Senator.
The senator welcomed by tepid children at first until displaying his vaunted charisma and holding out some candy offering to take them to the mall or buy them any game that wasn’t rated M (mature). Upon being welcomed by a new adopted little brother he gloated:
I’m delighted to have the company of this new friend and little brother Bobby. Someone who doesn’t mind joining me at a prayer breakfast, church potluck or hang around the house and play the Wii. I have one heck of a backhand on Wii tennis though I have to warn you.”
HOUSTON, TX — Going on the 2nd day of Christmas and still no news on the location of Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz’s missing ventriloquist Mister Geppetto.
Christmas day was a less than festive day in the Cruz household police stated in a press conference that they are investigating whether Mister Geppetto’s disappearance will be treated as a kidnapping or a runaway, Harris County sheriff Ron Hickman continued: “the family is asking for respect of their privacy at this time”
Ted Cruz has been with Mr. Geppetto since before he was a little boy, since he was a little piece of wood. What’s likely to be devastating news to the Cruz campaign as Geppetto has been a key player on the campaign trail.
Jon Stephens, President of the Ventriloquist Academy believes it may be too late in the campaign to find a ventriloquist who can get the timing down in sync with Ted Cruz. “It usually takes years for a dummy and his ventriloquist to bond and achieve the natural timing of a human being. I’m afraid there’s just not enough time, it’s a very sad time as many in this stagecraft were excited about what would have been a historic event: having the first president who was truly a dummy.”
Crime Stoppers is offering a $10,000 reward for tips that help locate Mr. Geppetto, if you have any information on the case you are asked to call: (713) 521-4600.