White House celebrates International Women’s Day by inviting Hillary Clinton over to smell the leather

WASHINGTON, DC – Former U.S Presidential opponents, Hillary Rodham Clinton and Donald J. Trump, celebrated International Women’s Day (IWD) together to honor her near presidential victory. The former Secretary of State even got to sit in the president’s chair and pose for a picture.

The soiree was made possible by yet another executive order from Mr. Trump. Press Secretary Sean Spicer spoke of the efforts to organize the administration’s festivities to a White House Press Corp, clad in hijabs and burkas, as a protest to the President’s most recent executive order on immigration.

We figured she got so close to winning the Presidency that it wouldn’t be right to not allow her to sit in the Oval Office, kick the tires… you know… smell the leather.

– Sean Spicer, Press Secretary

The former First Lady even got to sit in on a call with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak to have a good laugh about potential meddling in the election.

I played a bit of a prank on her. I said, “Hey, one of your best friends called to wish you a happy Women’s Day!” When she asked who it was, I said it was Uncle Joe [Biden]. You should have seen her wrinkled face when she heard the thick Russian accent on the other line. Good for her, it’s probably the only thick thing she’s received in all of 2017.

-Donald Trump, President of the United States

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Florida man dies leaving local church his most prized possession: coal

TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA – Local resident Giuseppe Lombarde, known to his friends as “Gus”, passed away nearly one month to this day at the ripe age of 92. However, it was not until Monday afternoon that his will was read aloud to his family and friends by his attorney and best friend Patrick “Paddy” O’Mahoney that everyone learned he left his entire estate to the Sacred Heart of Tampa Bay, FL.

Gus was a regular during the Sunday morning mass at the Sacred Heart where he deposited thick white envelopes into the offering, was seen “dressing to the nines” all days of the week, and for decades built and expanded upon a vault converted from a Cold War era bomb shelter. These behaviors led many in his family and the community to believe he was quite wealthy.

Local resident Pam Tillerson explained the mischaracterization:

“Gus could light up a room, he was always wearing some kind of tie and really nice shoes. Most people around here wear flip flops and shorts but not old Gus. Ladies were always trying to pick him up but he was loyal to his deceased wife Beatrice. I think a lot of people thought he was hoarding gemstones, gold rings or maybe even moon pies cause he was constantly expanding the f%!@ing vault.”

His children and extended family, initially devastated to learn they were not to inherit contents of the vault, were later relieved. The vault contained nothing but raw Appalachian coal.

Letters left behind by Gus explain the eccentric behavior of coal hoarding as a simple misunderstanding of the earth’s outstanding resources. Gus subscribed to many conspiracy theories during his life including one dating back to the 60’s referred to as “Peak Coal” convincing him the earth was running out of coal. Believing future generations would be fighting for coal he thought the value of coal would exceed that of diamonds and that one day he would be sitting on a diamond mine.

Gus would have his ’64 El Camino filled with the finest coal from West Virginia

His deceased wife’s letters revealed even more as she wrote in the 70’s that he believed that he was already sitting on “5 billion dollars worth of diamonds of the future.” He believed he was already a billionaire so he was merely dressing and acting the part.

From what Gus’s surviving relatives can piece together he financed his operations coal hoarding habits by setting aside $84 of his $980.72 Social Security paycheck. Once a month he would visit the local shipyard where they would fill his 1964 El Camino with as much coal as they could fit. Eventually Gus had more coal than his woodshed could hold and before long he was converting his bomb shelter into a vault and…. the rest is history.

UPDATE: The Sacred Heart released a statement regretfully declining any interest in probating Gus’s will citing the legal costs for probate and the costs to have the coal moved exceeds the value of the future diamonds.

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Anthony Weiner reveals seed funding opportunities for budding social network upstart

Freshly single Anthony Weiner is taking his wiener to your inbox, that is if his new social network startup finds its target. The embroiled Weiner, a former New York representative, speaking as CEO for “Anthony’s Wiener LLC”, announced new cutting edge technology that will power the Brooklyn startup.

Prospective investors were lured to a symposium at the Sheraton in Brooklyn featuring cocktails, kolaches and nude canvases of the former congressman. Speaking to investors Weiner outlined the opportunity at hand:

“As investors you understand how hard this market is right now but believe me when I promise you that this is a rare opportunity to squeeze your seed into a tight market. We have a finite number of opportunities and you want to get in before we explode because it’s going to be huge.

This is a ground floor opportunity people, the basement of opportunity and like most investment risks it will be jarring at first but I promise you will not regret the heart pounding experiences.

Our technology is already vastly superior to Facebook and Twitter. As I speak, our expert team of developers are on all fours pouring blood sweat and tears into the backend but don’t think for a minute that we’re neglecting the front-end.”

Anthony’s Wiener will be the first social media network of its kind which allows you to “friend” only one person: Anthony Weiner. Early subscribers of the service will receive early and exclusive access to selfies of him in various poses including: in his underwear, out of his underwear, getting out of a pool, showering, working out, close up shots with a tape measure and enjoying leisure time with his family.

Flaccid versions of Anthony’s Wiener will be available in the fall on both Android and iPhone.

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‘Inside Amy Schumer’ cancelled after nobody willing to go inside Amy Schumer

After four difficult seasons for Comedy Central struggling to find cast members, extras or homeless people to navigate their way into Amy Schumer, ‘Inside Amy Schumer’ was cancelled. This after the federal government’s department of Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has declared Amy Schumer to be an occupational hazard. Comedy Central revealed its lack of surprise in the following press release:

“We were first made aware of the hazardous material [Amy Schumer] one year ago and made several attempts to clean up the waste. All major waste disposal companies were consulted however, none were willing assume the contractural risk. We weren’t at all surprised when OSHA contacted us last week to shut down the set. The EPA will begin the process of securing the set for Inside Amy Schumer so that no further injuries occur and so that the toxic waste doesn’t spread.”

aimee-schumer-paddle-boarding

Amy Schumer, who started her illustrious career with penis jokes, revealed in an exclusive interview, that she’s a virgin trapped in the body of a whore.

“Yea… look that’s what the lower back tattoo was all about. I thought if I acted like a chick that’s been around the block, I would literally get laid around my block. Artistically what our show was expressing [Inside Amy Schumer] was the need for me to get some D, you know? Unfortunately nobody ever got to find out what’s inside of me and now I’m tied up with so much government red tape that I can’t even move off set.

If I can be completely honest, I’m so sick of trying to get laid. Do you realize how many minutes a day I spend taking care of this beaver? Literally, you have no idea! To this day, I even refuse to even wash my hands after I go to the restroom because I spend so much time downstairs getting it ready that if a guy wants me that bad, he can just deal… you feel?”

UPDATE: Comedy Central is reportedly working on a new crossover show with Discovery Channel titled: The Smelliest Snatch set to air Spring 2017, it is unknown if Schumer will be staring.

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City of San Francisco calls for 49ers Colin Kaepernick to subdue his level of anti-Americanism because ‘you cannot hate America more than us’

The San Francisco Board of Supervisors unanimously passed a measure censuring the struggling 49ers QB, Colin Kaepernick, to subdue his robust anti-Americanism because: “even we are getting a little uncomfortable.”

The apology was read atop the steps of city hall in front of a multiethnic and multigendered crowd, declaring “even though we apologize for past and present colonialism, racism, xenophobia, Islamaphobia, transphobia and bigotry; we cannot stand idly by allowing someone who is likely to be traded to another team to express levels of anti-Americanism and white guilt exceeding our own. It would behove Mr Kaepernick to subdue his level of rhetoric until the city of San Francisco is again restored as the first thought which comes to mind when people throughout the world think of self loathing rich people.”

Kaepernick, who expressed support for Black Lives Matter after not standing during the national anthem, has has authority on the issue as a biracial person raised by adopted white parents. Being wealthy and biracial doesn’t preclude one from being qualified to speak on issues of equality in America, to the contrary: it makes Kaepernick uniquely qualified on the issue. Who else better understands the challenges of being a black man growing up in urban America?

Kaepernick for his part has since doubled down on the national anthem responding to critics via Twitter:

kaepernick-flag-wiping-ass-tweet

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LGBT pets lag behind humans rights in spite of gay, transgender parks

SAN FRANCISCO – Without a doubt, 2015 was a huge year for LGBT rights in the United States, thanks to the Supreme Court ruling in favor of same sex marriage and the arrest of Kim Davis. Full steam ahead for a more fully liberated society in 2016! Or maybe not… according to gender study researchers at the Wesleyan University, who point to the lackluster number of gender reassignments of pets. While Americans have embraced different sexual identities of each other, we sadly have left our four legged friends behind.

San Francisco and Madison become the first cities in the country to open gay and transgender pet parks but according to veterinarian gender researcher Katherine Schultz, gender dysphoria continues to be the most under diagnosed disorders in the feline species.

“Cats are suffering from more sexual identity issues than any other species in the animal kingdom, many even surprisingly have no sexual identity whatsoever. This would likely explain why cats do not like to be dressed up, whether it’s a tuxedo or formal dress… they detest it.

On the other end of the spectrum, male dogs have been observed to have higher prevalence of bisexuality as they are inclined to hump just about anything put in front of them.”

On June 24th, when San Francisco opened up the world’s first Gay Dog Park they also passed laws to finally allow female dogs to hike their legs up to urinate on any hydrant or tree in the city regardless of how messy it seems to unsuspecting strangers. Bathroom habits of male and female animals may seem small but they play an important role in sexual liberation according to researches.

Sadly, the national spotlight continues to evade our favorite members of the animal kingdom as senate bill SB1210 has stalled in the senate. This crucial bill would have finally allowed veterinarians to determine when their patients were born with the wrong sexual glands and perform reassignment surgery (without human companion’s approval). As 2017 quickly approaches, many wonder if our four legged friends will ever experience true liberation, due to gridlock in the senate… it seems that many of them will continue to wait.

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Sudden Yoga Death Syndrome devastates San Francisco, Seattle

The West Coast is bracing for continued casualties as FEMA announced a state of emergency in both San Francisco and Seattle after thousands of adults participating in yoga have begun dying of what appears to be extreme and sustained boredom. Cumulative death tolls tragically reached 4,300 by Thursday afternoon and President Obama has warned that total death counts may reach 10,000 by time congress can pass a law banning or at least heavily regulating yoga.

Sudden Yoga Death Syndrome (SYDS) started afflicting young to middle age affluent urban Caucasian Americans early last week where it spread to similar demographics in the Asian community. Everyone on the West Coast is being warned to not only avoid yoga studios but also independent coffee shops, spin classes and Improv until the Centers for Disease Control identifies the exact cause of SYDS. As researchers begin studying the disease, one puzzling fact they are working on is understanding the only groups with known immunity to SYDS, males with sickle-cell anemia and those who rely on public transportation.

In other news: Lululemon (LULU) stocks are trading down 98% for the day at $1.44/share.

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Congress passes bill offering Justin Bieber as sacrifice for years of ‘terribly executed’ cultural appropriation

WASHINGTON, DC – Speaker of the House Paul Ryan was joined by Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi in celebrating the passage of bipartisan bill (HB13638) in the House of Representatives to finally offer the African American community symbolic restitution for decades of awfully executed cultural appropriation by calling for the public hanging of the Canadian turned American pop tart. The bill, introduced in 2015, was put on the fast track after Justin Bieber’s recent rash of odd behavior culminated by dreadlock hair extensions and a fresh facial tattoo of a cross.

All 425 members of the House of Representatives voted ‘yay’ during a late Monday session moving the bill to the senate where it’s expected to pass for President Obama’s final signature who hailed the bill as their only successful law this session and congratulated congress on a “meaningful and lasting step in the right direction.”

Additionally, all Justin Bieber albums will be banned from public places and effigies of his previous works of defecation will be financed by new War Bonds.

UPDATE 5/10/16: HB13638, restitution for cultural appropriation, has stalled in the senate upon recent revelations from the Associated Press (AP) report that Justin Bieber is actually Miley Cyrus in drag. To the dismay of pop fans throughout the world, both identities were fictional characters invented by the recording industry and played by 5 different actors, two of which are still living. HB13638 is currently being modified in the Senate to bring the remaining two perpetrators to justice.

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