White House celebrates International Women’s Day by inviting Hillary Clinton over to smell the leather

WASHINGTON, DC – Former U.S Presidential opponents, Hillary Rodham Clinton and Donald J. Trump, celebrated International Women’s Day (IWD) together to honor her near presidential victory. The former Secretary of State even got to sit in the president’s chair and pose for a picture.

The soiree was made possible by yet another executive order from Mr. Trump. Press Secretary Sean Spicer spoke of the efforts to organize the administration’s festivities to a White House Press Corp, clad in hijabs and burkas, as a protest to the President’s most recent executive order on immigration.

We figured she got so close to winning the Presidency that it wouldn’t be right to not allow her to sit in the Oval Office, kick the tires… you know… smell the leather.

– Sean Spicer, Press Secretary

The former First Lady even got to sit in on a call with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak to have a good laugh about potential meddling in the election.

I played a bit of a prank on her. I said, “Hey, one of your best friends called to wish you a happy Women’s Day!” When she asked who it was, I said it was Uncle Joe [Biden]. You should have seen her wrinkled face when she heard the thick Russian accent on the other line. Good for her, it’s probably the only thick thing she’s received in all of 2017.

-Donald Trump, President of the United States

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Anthony Weiner reveals seed funding opportunities for budding social network upstart

Freshly single Anthony Weiner is taking his wiener to your inbox, that is if his new social network startup finds its target. The embroiled Weiner, a former New York representative, speaking as CEO for “Anthony’s Wiener LLC”, announced new cutting edge technology that will power the Brooklyn startup.

Prospective investors were lured to a symposium at the Sheraton in Brooklyn featuring cocktails, kolaches and nude canvases of the former congressman. Speaking to investors Weiner outlined the opportunity at hand:

“As investors you understand how hard this market is right now but believe me when I promise you that this is a rare opportunity to squeeze your seed into a tight market. We have a finite number of opportunities and you want to get in before we explode because it’s going to be huge.

This is a ground floor opportunity people, the basement of opportunity and like most investment risks it will be jarring at first but I promise you will not regret the heart pounding experiences.

Our technology is already vastly superior to Facebook and Twitter. As I speak, our expert team of developers are on all fours pouring blood sweat and tears into the backend but don’t think for a minute that we’re neglecting the front-end.”

Anthony’s Wiener will be the first social media network of its kind which allows you to “friend” only one person: Anthony Weiner. Early subscribers of the service will receive early and exclusive access to selfies of him in various poses including: in his underwear, out of his underwear, getting out of a pool, showering, working out, close up shots with a tape measure and enjoying leisure time with his family.

Flaccid versions of Anthony’s Wiener will be available in the fall on both Android and iPhone.

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LGBT pets lag behind humans rights in spite of gay, transgender parks

SAN FRANCISCO – Without a doubt, 2015 was a huge year for LGBT rights in the United States, thanks to the Supreme Court ruling in favor of same sex marriage and the arrest of Kim Davis. Full steam ahead for a more fully liberated society in 2016! Or maybe not… according to gender study researchers at the Wesleyan University, who point to the lackluster number of gender reassignments of pets. While Americans have embraced different sexual identities of each other, we sadly have left our four legged friends behind.

San Francisco and Madison become the first cities in the country to open gay and transgender pet parks but according to veterinarian gender researcher Katherine Schultz, gender dysphoria continues to be the most under diagnosed disorders in the feline species.

“Cats are suffering from more sexual identity issues than any other species in the animal kingdom, many even surprisingly have no sexual identity whatsoever. This would likely explain why cats do not like to be dressed up, whether it’s a tuxedo or formal dress… they detest it.

On the other end of the spectrum, male dogs have been observed to have higher prevalence of bisexuality as they are inclined to hump just about anything put in front of them.”

On June 24th, when San Francisco opened up the world’s first Gay Dog Park they also passed laws to finally allow female dogs to hike their legs up to urinate on any hydrant or tree in the city regardless of how messy it seems to unsuspecting strangers. Bathroom habits of male and female animals may seem small but they play an important role in sexual liberation according to researches.

Sadly, the national spotlight continues to evade our favorite members of the animal kingdom as senate bill SB1210 has stalled in the senate. This crucial bill would have finally allowed veterinarians to determine when their patients were born with the wrong sexual glands and perform reassignment surgery (without human companion’s approval). As 2017 quickly approaches, many wonder if our four legged friends will ever experience true liberation, due to gridlock in the senate… it seems that many of them will continue to wait.

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Subtle Cocktail Recipes for the One Percenters

If you are one of the many Americans who would love to live like a One Percenter but are closer to living under a bridge than spending a night in the Plaza hotel, consider our list of Cocktails from some of the world’s most famous One Percenters.


Elizabeth Taylor’s ‘Blood Diamond’ – using diabetic needle, let enough blood over a diamond for two drops to fall into the glass, 1 jigger St Germaine, 1 jigger Vodka; shake ingredients and serve in martini glass garnished with star fruit or the ‘most expensive fruit you can find’
-“As I said before, if I bleed for the diamonds then what more can you ask of me? Wait, what was the question?”

Bill Cosby’s ‘Back Stage’ – drop two roofies at the bottom of a champagne glass, fill 3/4 way with sparking wine, top with Everclear
-“When you are looking to seal the deal without the squeal, this drink is the real deal.”

Jerry Jones’ ‘Blue Star’ – in a traditional highball glass filled with ice add vodka (Tito’s) and garnish with body glitter and silver mascara
-“For when you f*ck up and wake up in Houston. Well I guess that’s two of the same thing.”

Jay-Z’s ‘Stash Spot’ – in a highball glass filled halfway with ice add 3 jiggers of Hennessy and garnish with an orange rind
-“This drink helps dulls my senses enough to deal with some of the biggest psychopaths in this industry… well this drink and 6 lines of coke.”

Kim Kardashian’s ‘Nude Selfie’ – 1 raw egg yoke, 1 jigger cognac (Henessey), 1 jigger Grey Goose Pear, 1/2 jigger Goldschläger, juice from half a lemon; shake all ingredients with ice and serve in a chilled martini glass
-“This is like totally my favorite drink to relax before taking an accidental fully nude selfie”

Rupert Murdoch’s ‘5th Wife’ – 1 jigger sake, 1 jigger lychee liquor, 1 jigger Patron (tequila), 1/2 jigger licorice liquor; shake with ice and serve in a chilled martini glass
-“I’ve never tried these ingredients together but I figured this drink has to work out better than the last four”

Rockefeller’s ‘First Billion’ – In a highball glass drop in 1 sugar cube peppered with bitters and mashed into a fine grit. Add ice, 2 jiggers of American Rye Whiskey and 1/2 jigger of Fireball Whiskey stirred well and garnished with an orange rind
-“My butler made me the curious drink after my first billion and I credit it with my good luck ever since.”

Warren Buffett’s ‘Breakfast’ – 1/2 jigger coffee liquor, 1/2 jigger of Sambuca and 1 shot of Espresso; stir together and serve in a large mug
-“While I’m not a heavy drinker, this refreshing cocktail helps me feel like the self loathing rich person I am while I cope with my vast wealth.”

Woody Allen’s ‘Taboo’ – fill a highball glass with ice, add two jiggers of Soju topped off with seltzer stirred gently
-“Preferably you want to use the youngest Soju imported from South Korea, it tastes better if it’s not given the chance to age.”

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ISIS denies responsibility for feeding starving orphans in Syrian town

DAMASCUS, SYRIA – The international world is still puzzled at the recent food care packages that arrived anonymously on Saturday in the war-torn town of Damascus. So far, no coalition forces has claimed responsibility for the food which showed up mysteriously early Saturday morning prompting Islamic State official from clearing up any rumors that they perhaps provided food for the starving orphan children of Damascus. In an official statement, they denied any responsibility for the works of charity:

“We absolutely deny these rumors that we had anything to do with ‘care packages’ or food for starving children in Syria in Damascus or anywhere in Syria. The West, including United States, continues to spread propaganda that is evil, vile and a threat to all Muslims everywhere.”

ISIS is still reeling from recent strings of losses including losing all of their first battles against people who are actually armed with weapons, circumstances that has caused them to lose three quarters of their territory in Syria.

Sunday morning, a new press release was translated from Arabic where the Islamic State seems to be shifting from fears of appearing weak and sympathetic by declaring responsibility for new hosts of plagues on the earth including “sexually transmitted diseases, internet viruses, and global warming everywhere” and that they [ISIS] should be considered “more dangerous than ever.”

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John Kasich ends presidential bid, accepts full-time role on Sesame Street

Sunny days, sweeping the clouds away? Governor John Kasich, former congressman and seldom relevant Republican from Ohio, has his eyes set on a new career in children’s television after his doomed campaign finally ends.

“Ever since Sesame Street sold out and jumped ship to HBO I knew they have finally come around to the capitalist way of thinking. I believe with my sing-songy speech patterns, idioms, and a few insipid sayings borrowed from President George W. Bush I can really make a dent on a quasi-human character on our beloved children’s classic.”

Sesame Street cast and crew remain mum on this jarring public speculation of a new addition, keeping the secret tighter than Elmo actor Kevin Clash’s alleged transgressions with under-aged homosexual teen-aged sex partners.

An insider speaking on condition of anonymity commented:

“There was a certain buzz about getting a republican on the set with us, of course most of it negative with many of the old timers fearing deportation or muppets being slaughtered for toupees if it were Donald Trump. Best case scenario we would have gotten the Elder Bush to channel Mr. Rogers and have a weekly story time reading bit. We’d have gotten George W. but considering his luck with children’s stories we felt it best not to give him a call.”

 

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REPORT: Glenn Beck found eating at Golden Corral after ‘fasting’ claim

Conservative commentator Glenn Beck was reportedly caught on camera this Tuesday evening enjoying an ‘All-You-Can-Eat’ buffet at Golden Corral, breaking his Ted Cruz inspired fast allegedly due to watching primary election results coming in. This just one day after beginning a fast to help the Republican hopeful win Indiana.

Upon being confronted over the failure to complete his fast, Beck did admit that he had to break his fast due to stress, however, he highly recommended the roast beef and macaroni & cheese.

glenn-beck-cheetos

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Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina unveils future cabinet seats available for donations

SHIT, IN – Friday saw Carly Fiorina joined Ted Cruz in Some Hurting Industrial Town (SHIT) in Indiana for a major campaign announcement. The G.O.P. hopefuls unveiled several high level cabinet positions available for bidding thanks to a partnership with Ebay.

Carly Fiorina, the ousted CEO of HP and failed Republican nominee, opined that her recent colossal failures have removed the roadblocks of shame, and that pairing with Cruz was a match made in heaven:

“People keep asking me if joining the Cruz campaign stripped me of my dignity. I want to respond to those accusations right now and say: ‘how dare you!’.

This reminds me of when I was CEO of Hewlitt Packard and we acquired Compaq who coincidentally resided in Ted Cruz’s home state. Now when I made the (albeit easy decision) to offshore thousands of jobs from Houston, people attacked me. But I did what I always do and I stood up for my convictions of outsourcing American jobs! And now as I stand before you I urge you all to join me in opening your wallets.”

Cruz Crew Deputy Delegates are still available on a first come first serve basis
Cruz Crew Deputy Delegates are still available on a first come first serve basis

Senator Cruz joined his vice president hopeful with plenty of praise as he revealed plans that are affordable enough for all Americans to have a role in his campaign:

“In this world, unlikable people need to stick together, after all isn’t that what being a Texan is all about?

Now as Carly mentioned we have many high level positions such as Secretary of State and Attorney General available I want to reiterate that this is not about money, in fact we still have plenty of Cruz Crew Deputy Delegate name tags available for donations under $1,000.

This will be the first political appointment decided on Ebay, where the auction is set to start Monday, May 2nd and run until Sunday, May 8th.

 

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San Francisco’s new family leave act to finally allow husbands to bond with wife’s boyfriend’s infant

Blended cuckhold families throughout the valley are celebrating the decision by San Francisco’s Board of Supervisors to provide paid family leave for married couples whose spouse has a child outside of the marriage. Starting January 1st, husbands will finally have the ability to receive 6 months of paid leave to assist their wives in raising another man’s child.

Families like Carl's will no longer have to sacrifice finances for family
Families like Carl’s will no longer have to sacrifice finances for family

Carl Cuck is one particular victim of the current circumstances which forced him to choose between paying the bills or bonding with his wife’s boyfriend’s infant.

“Prior to this bill, if I wanted to help out my wife and her boyfriend, I was limited to cooking them a meal or babysitting on date night. Everyone knows the first few months is crucial and I haven’t really had much time to bond with that little guy.”

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