White House celebrates International Women’s Day by inviting Hillary Clinton over to smell the leather

WASHINGTON, DC – Former U.S Presidential opponents, Hillary Rodham Clinton and Donald J. Trump, celebrated International Women’s Day (IWD) together to honor her near presidential victory. The former Secretary of State even got to sit in the president’s chair and pose for a picture.

The soiree was made possible by yet another executive order from Mr. Trump. Press Secretary Sean Spicer spoke of the efforts to organize the administration’s festivities to a White House Press Corp, clad in hijabs and burkas, as a protest to the President’s most recent executive order on immigration.

We figured she got so close to winning the Presidency that it wouldn’t be right to not allow her to sit in the Oval Office, kick the tires… you know… smell the leather.

– Sean Spicer, Press Secretary

The former First Lady even got to sit in on a call with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak to have a good laugh about potential meddling in the election.

I played a bit of a prank on her. I said, “Hey, one of your best friends called to wish you a happy Women’s Day!” When she asked who it was, I said it was Uncle Joe [Biden]. You should have seen her wrinkled face when she heard the thick Russian accent on the other line. Good for her, it’s probably the only thick thing she’s received in all of 2017.

-Donald Trump, President of the United States

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Leaked DNC emails expose conspiracy to lower Bernie primary turnout by handing out ‘Pot Brownies’

WikiLeaks has released a new trove of leaked DNC emails outlining what appears to be a conspired attack on Bernie Sanders months ago during state party primaries. The plan seemed to prey on a common strain amongst Bernie voters: their love of THC.

The shocking emails include Evite invitations sent on behalf of what has now been discovered as fake Bernie Sander campaign organizers. Events titled: “Get your Pre-Bern On!” solicited millennials with weed parties which would include: dubys, pot brownies and hinted at speeches from popular Tumplr personalities.

Pre-Bern EvitePre-Bern Evite Message

One specific attendee of these events, who asked that we keep their identity confidential, lamented the quality of the baked goods and entertainment.

“The brownies were obviously a cheap box mix. Oh and the Tumblr speakers? They basically just setup a Macbook Pro and played our favorite videos on sexual identity politics it was very disappointing! I regretted it immediately when I woke up and realized that Bernie had lost New York.”

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Hillary Clinton calls on sexist Bernie Sanders to stop preventing history, sexist phallic attacks

FLINT, MICHIGAN – Mother, philanthropist, former Secretary of State and Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton took to town hall in Flint Michigan to defend herself against a recent barrage of sexist attacks from Senator Bernie Sanders on Tuesday calling him to step out of the race for the good of history.

During the latest debate Bernie Sanders prevented Mrs. Clinton’s multiple attempts at interjecting herself into his answers by using chauvinistic hand gestures including mimicking his phallus with his index finger.

“Frankly I’m sick and tired of the senator’s sexist attacks on my character and limiting my time speaking at the debate. His most recent gestures are his worst and his behavior is becoming alarming. We all know he wouldn’t be talking to me like that if I was a man.”

Bernie Sanders using sexist finger gestures towards Secretary of State Clinton
Bernie Sanders using sexist finger gestures towards the face of Secretary of State Clinton

Near the end of the speech Secretary Clinton called for the senator to stop his campaign against women by ending his campaign for the Democratic nomination.

“I’m calling for Senator Sanders to stop his campaign against women, right here and right now on International Women’s Day, and be on the right side of history.”

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7 Things Donald Trump Has In Common With Your Abuelo

NEW HAMPSHIRE – The Donald Trump for President Campaign revealing a list of seven things that the presidential hopeful has in common with your Hispanic grandfather (abuelo).  This move is likely to counter Hillary Clinton’s list of “7 things Hillary Clinton has in common with your abuela.”  Trump took to Twitter earlier today hinting at the campaign’s first olive branch for the Hispanic community:

“Hillary Clinton thinks that she has more in common with your abuela than me?  She has to be kidding, I have more in common with both your abuela and abuelo!

Hillary is a loser, once I am done with her she will pleading misericordia and calling me abuelo!”

Trump’s Twitter comments were well received by the Hispanic community, a first, many commending him through Twitter on his use of Spanish.  FACT: Trump translated to Spanish means Triunfo

Everyone loves Abuelo – even this woman

Here you go, Trump’s list of “7 things Trump has in common with your Abuelo”:

  1. His love of foreign women – Yes, he shares your grand papa’s fondness for immigrant women, proof that he loves all people but there’s a special place in his heart for beautiful immigrant women (FACT: two-thirds of Trump’s wives were immigrants!)
  2. Work ethic – The Donald’s work ethic is second to none for a caucasian. In his younger days, this led to people to believe that he was actually part Hispanic.
  3. Works in the hotel industry – The great Triunfo owns much property including hotels and casinos which employs many of our nations abuelos and abuelas alike as dishwashers and housekeeping.
  4. Large Family – Trump’s family gatherings are huge; he has a whopping 5 children (twice the national average) and 7 grandchildren!
  5. He Plays the Lottery – Think rich people don’t play the lottery?  Think again, “I play Powerball once a week.  I don’t know why people find it so surprising, who doesn’t want to get a little bit richer?”  He considers all the other lotteries as “chump change- not worth my time!”
  6. Love of Mexican Food – Your future president loves all ethnic food but especially Mexican food. Donald even has recently agreed to join Geraldo Rivera at a Mexican restaurant to discuss his tone towards the Hispanic community.  His personal favorite Mexican dish is Lasagna.
  7. Donald Had a Donkey as a Child – “It may surprise many people but where I grew up in Brooklyn, we had a small yard.  One year, my father received a donkey as a security deposit from one of his tenants.  My father was a generous man who only accepted the donkey because it was Christmas time and he felt bad for the family.  It was a pretty brutal winter so the donkey froze to death.  He had no choice but to evict the family; it’s actually a very sad story.”
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Trump Doubles Down on Hillary Clinton Bathroom Scandal, Accuses Her of Wet Queef

WASHINGTON – Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump came out swinging this morning on NBC’s Meet the Press doubling down on his assertion that Hillary Clinton’s restroom break was “disgusting” and “filthy.”  According to Trump, information was leaked directly to him from stage handlers, alleging that Mrs. Clinton actually had an “accident” due to vaginal flatulence (queef) on stage which required her sanitary napkin to be serviced.

“I know where she went, it’s disgusting, I don’t want to talk about it, no, it’s too disgusting.  Don’t say it, it’s disgusting, let’s not talk.”

He continued:

“I hear that she had no pads left and had to resort to borrowing one of Bernie’s diapers, that’s disgusting.  This poor guy can’t hold himself through the debate and is forced to wear pull-up diapers like some toddler.  People want to know why I said the whole situation was disgusting?  Well that’s why!”

The Hillary Clinton campaign has refused to comment at this time.

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Hillary Proposes Free University to Fight ISIS

While campaigning at a roadside diner Saturday afternoon in Iowa, presidential nominee hopeful Hillary Rodham Clinton proposed a global plan to provide adults wanting to return to college free tuition as a measure to “decrease terrorism and deter extremism” worldwide.

“Clearly ISIS is inspired by the average American’s pig-igornance towards Middle Eastern culture and radical Islam in general.” Clinton went on to add that her plan would also require public K-12 schools to teach “Sharia law, to help bridge the irrational fear against Wahhabism.” To maintain enrollment, female circumcision may be mandatory in some districts while immunizations will be voluntary.

Clinton meeting with Libyan benefactor of her tenure as Secretary State
Clinton meeting with Libyan beneficiary of her tenure as Secretary State

The latest move by Hillary Clinton is seen as a outflanking maneuver against competing Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders’ most recent plan to fight ISIS with “free healthcare for the Middle East.” “That is just too exclusive,” explained Clinton.

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