‘Inside Amy Schumer’ cancelled after nobody willing to go inside Amy Schumer

After four difficult seasons for Comedy Central struggling to find cast members, extras or homeless people to navigate their way into Amy Schumer, ‘Inside Amy Schumer’ was cancelled. This after the federal government’s department of Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has declared Amy Schumer to be an occupational hazard. Comedy Central revealed its lack of surprise in the following press release:

“We were first made aware of the hazardous material [Amy Schumer] one year ago and made several attempts to clean up the waste. All major waste disposal companies were consulted however, none were willing assume the contractural risk. We weren’t at all surprised when OSHA contacted us last week to shut down the set. The EPA will begin the process of securing the set for Inside Amy Schumer so that no further injuries occur and so that the toxic waste doesn’t spread.”

aimee-schumer-paddle-boarding

Amy Schumer, who started her illustrious career with penis jokes, revealed in an exclusive interview, that she’s a virgin trapped in the body of a whore.

“Yea… look that’s what the lower back tattoo was all about. I thought if I acted like a chick that’s been around the block, I would literally get laid around my block. Artistically what our show was expressing [Inside Amy Schumer] was the need for me to get some D, you know? Unfortunately nobody ever got to find out what’s inside of me and now I’m tied up with so much government red tape that I can’t even move off set.

If I can be completely honest, I’m so sick of trying to get laid. Do you realize how many minutes a day I spend taking care of this beaver? Literally, you have no idea! To this day, I even refuse to even wash my hands after I go to the restroom because I spend so much time downstairs getting it ready that if a guy wants me that bad, he can just deal… you feel?”

UPDATE: Comedy Central is reportedly working on a new crossover show with Discovery Channel titled: The Smelliest Snatch set to air Spring 2017, it is unknown if Schumer will be staring.

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Congress passes bill offering Justin Bieber as sacrifice for years of ‘terribly executed’ cultural appropriation

WASHINGTON, DC – Speaker of the House Paul Ryan was joined by Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi in celebrating the passage of bipartisan bill (HB13638) in the House of Representatives to finally offer the African American community symbolic restitution for decades of awfully executed cultural appropriation by calling for the public hanging of the Canadian turned American pop tart. The bill, introduced in 2015, was put on the fast track after Justin Bieber’s recent rash of odd behavior culminated by dreadlock hair extensions and a fresh facial tattoo of a cross.

All 425 members of the House of Representatives voted ‘yay’ during a late Monday session moving the bill to the senate where it’s expected to pass for President Obama’s final signature who hailed the bill as their only successful law this session and congratulated congress on a “meaningful and lasting step in the right direction.”

Additionally, all Justin Bieber albums will be banned from public places and effigies of his previous works of defecation will be financed by new War Bonds.

UPDATE 5/10/16: HB13638, restitution for cultural appropriation, has stalled in the senate upon recent revelations from the Associated Press (AP) report that Justin Bieber is actually Miley Cyrus in drag. To the dismay of pop fans throughout the world, both identities were fictional characters invented by the recording industry and played by 5 different actors, two of which are still living. HB13638 is currently being modified in the Senate to bring the remaining two perpetrators to justice.

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