‘Inside Amy Schumer’ cancelled after nobody willing to go inside Amy Schumer

After four difficult seasons for Comedy Central struggling to find cast members, extras or homeless people to navigate their way into Amy Schumer, ‘Inside Amy Schumer’ was cancelled. This after the federal government’s department of Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has declared Amy Schumer to be an occupational hazard. Comedy Central revealed its lack of surprise in the following press release:

“We were first made aware of the hazardous material [Amy Schumer] one year ago and made several attempts to clean up the waste. All major waste disposal companies were consulted however, none were willing assume the contractural risk. We weren’t at all surprised when OSHA contacted us last week to shut down the set. The EPA will begin the process of securing the set for Inside Amy Schumer so that no further injuries occur and so that the toxic waste doesn’t spread.”

aimee-schumer-paddle-boarding

Amy Schumer, who started her illustrious career with penis jokes, revealed in an exclusive interview, that she’s a virgin trapped in the body of a whore.

“Yea… look that’s what the lower back tattoo was all about. I thought if I acted like a chick that’s been around the block, I would literally get laid around my block. Artistically what our show was expressing [Inside Amy Schumer] was the need for me to get some D, you know? Unfortunately nobody ever got to find out what’s inside of me and now I’m tied up with so much government red tape that I can’t even move off set.

If I can be completely honest, I’m so sick of trying to get laid. Do you realize how many minutes a day I spend taking care of this beaver? Literally, you have no idea! To this day, I even refuse to even wash my hands after I go to the restroom because I spend so much time downstairs getting it ready that if a guy wants me that bad, he can just deal… you feel?”

UPDATE: Comedy Central is reportedly working on a new crossover show with Discovery Channel titled: The Smelliest Snatch set to air Spring 2017, it is unknown if Schumer will be staring.

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New Gym Targets Self Esteem

TORONTO, CANADA – Eaton Centre Mall welcomes SafeSpace Fitness, the world’s first gym to cater to people’s self esteem.  The facility, which underwent a grueling 18 month construction project, opened Monday catering to everyone from those who casually exercise to those who have no desire to exercise.  Founder Laura Trevilet proclaimed at the grand opening on Monday:

“We are extremely excited to announce to all Canadians a place to truly feel comfortable in their own skins.  Our state of the art facilities will help you look however you would like to look whether that be thick or thin.  Body shaming will be nonexistent nor will feelings of confidence or high self esteem.

Nobody should feel shameful about themselves period!  Many of our members used to workout but stopped due to self inflicted body shame caused when people with chiseled bodies are around them or they see someone else lifting heavier weights.”

SafeSpace Fitness is currently the world’s first gym to limit weights that all members can lift to 7.5lbs, it  has also banned mirrors and scales from the entire facility.

The state of the art facility provides all-you-can-eat buffets serving everything from Chinese to Canadian/American cuisine complete with video games consoles around the perimeter of the entire space.  SafeSpace Fitness is planning to open it’s first American location by the end of 2016.

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