New Study Finds Global Warming Causes “Rednecks”

In a statement from the United States Attorney General’s office, it has been determined that there is a connection between Global Warming and the uptick of Southern Hostility or “Rednecks.”  This weeks after similar connections were made between Global Warming and terrorism.

Loretta Lynch stated: “Like with ISIL we are finding that in deep rural parts of the south that Global Warming was a threat multiplier.  We have intelligence in some areas which are completely off of the grid where the Cajun people’s swamp shacks are no longer surrounded by water.”

Attorney General Loretta Lynch discussing ISHIL
Attorney General Loretta Lynch discussing ISHIL

The Obama administration has continued to take pressure for not doing more against the Illiterate Southern Hostility of Inbred and Lead-poisoned (ISHIL).

Lynch continued: “This has forced the locals to convert their swamp shacks into deer stands which not only has long term effects on the local ecosystems but has caused an increase in gun ownership in gulf coast states such as Louisiana.  However what’s more concerning than the recent spike ISHIL gun ownership is their affinity for fringe presidential candidates such as Ted Cruz.”

The Obama administration is currently mulling executive orders at slowing the growth of ISHIL and has stated that every measure is “on the table.”  At least one of the plans was leaked to the press on Tuesday morning which is aimed at ISHIL recruitment areas such as Walmart, limiting people in southern states to one trip to Walmart per week.

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Hillary Proposes Free University to Fight ISIS

While campaigning at a roadside diner Saturday afternoon in Iowa, presidential nominee hopeful Hillary Rodham Clinton proposed a global plan to provide adults wanting to return to college free tuition as a measure to “decrease terrorism and deter extremism” worldwide.

“Clearly ISIS is inspired by the average American’s pig-igornance towards Middle Eastern culture and radical Islam in general.” Clinton went on to add that her plan would also require public K-12 schools to teach “Sharia law, to help bridge the irrational fear against Wahhabism.” To maintain enrollment, female circumcision may be mandatory in some districts while immunizations will be voluntary.

Clinton meeting with Libyan benefactor of her tenure as Secretary State
Clinton meeting with Libyan beneficiary of her tenure as Secretary State

The latest move by Hillary Clinton is seen as a outflanking maneuver against competing Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders’ most recent plan to fight ISIS with “free healthcare for the Middle East.” “That is just too exclusive,” explained Clinton.

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Bergdahl Exchanged To ISIS for Social Media Wiz Kids

President Obama today announced a landmark exchange to empower Homeland Security by bolstering the Defense Department’s social media capabilities.

The controversial trade involves transferring sergeant Bowe Bergdahl as a prisoner to the Islamic State (ISIS) in exchange for three of their “social media wiz kids.”

“This move will help our nations security by arming us with some of the worlds leaders on social media and propoganda,” President Obama declared in a Rose Garden ceremony at the White House.

Obama gushed, “It’s rare when diplomacy like this provides a true win-win for both parties.  I am told that our enemies [ISIS] have plans for sergeant Bergdahl as an outlet for their hate of the West.  Once we overcame the human rights issues of ISIS torturing an American citizen it became a real no-brainer. For instance, his family is supporting this move after realizing him to be a failure as both an American and a son to his family.  It’s our hope that they [ISIS] focus their energy on him and away from the West and away from our allies in the Middle East.”

The trade is expected to save the military the expense and turmoil of prosecuting Bowe Bergdahl for war crimes.

The address ended with the president joking that he has it on good authority that ISIS have fun plans in store for Bowe!

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Trump’s Medical Report Reveals He is Jedi Knight

On December 3rd, presidential candidate Donald J. Trump announced he would soon be releasing his medical records per common protocol. He hinted that it would be perfection but few expected supernatural powers.

This morning the Donald Trump campaign released all 1 pages of his medical report and unsurprisingly he is in great, no incredible shape. However the big news that has all colonies on Earth buzzing is that Donald J. Trump is in fact a Jedi Knight.

Full details of the medical report can be found below:
https://www.donaldjtrump.com/images/uploads/trump_health_record.pdf

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Silver Alert Issued for Bernie Sanders

During a press conference, Burlington Vermont police chief, Brandon del Pozo, told the press that the presidential candidate has not been seen for at least two days. “Bernie has not been seen by members of his staff or family for what is going on 48 hours. As of this morning, we have issued a Silver Alert to locate Mr Sanders. There are concerns about his health and wellbeing considering he hasn’t taken his medication for this period of time.”

Update:

bernie-sanders-walking

New reports of witnesses seeing what may be the missing presidential candidate. Witness accounts report seeing someone matching the description of an elderly man with white guilt in the affluent Burlington suburb of New North End, reportedly peeping or staring into peoples’ homes. If you have any information which can help the police, please contact the Burlington police at 802-658-2704.

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Trump Endorses British on Plans to Ban Him

In a bizarre twist of events Donald Trump has gone from appearing hurt by the the British petition to ban him from the country to endorsing it this morning stating: “I will sign it myself, it will never pass without my signature.”

This after yesterday’s rejection of British culture when the “The Donald” took to Twitter stating he will “miss nothing about Britain, the queen is frankly overrated and their food (which you have probably already heard) stinks.”

This morning the Donald Trump campaign released an official statement endorsing the petition to bar his entry into the country: “Look it’s simple, we want to eliminate hateful people from coming in this country and our allies abroad have just as much right to bar me.”

We reached out to the organizers of the petition to see if they had any comment which upon responding: “whahuhhh?” subsequently short-circuited their motherboard and bursted into flames. 🔥

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