Feminist U Mass undergrad to live under Sharia Law

University of Massachusetts, Boston, MA – Liberal arts undergrad and burgeoning women’s rights champion Constance “Cunnie” Cunningham decided to see for herself though a personal journey of subjecting herself to Sharia Law to help bond with her Muslim sisters and understand the stereotype of their oppression.

Coming from Palmer Town, MA I had little interaction with my Muslim sisters. I decided to go under the hijab to find out what they go through. Allah willing.

Cunnie traveled to Saudi Arabia through a special exchange program made possible by Executive Order during the Obama administration to live among young women under Sharia Law.

I mean, I found it kind of empowering to not being able to drive. I felt great knowing my carbon footprint wouldn’t grow unless a male guardian permitted it. It really takes the thinking out of it.

When asked about women’s rights in Saudi Arabia she insisted that all had been taken care of and similar policies should be instituted in the United States.

Like any good feminist I had an abortion to undergo the experience, and although that’s no longer available to me under Sharia you can share the burden of childcare with a sister-wife. Besides, I get free medical care like my mandatory clitectomy next week.

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John Kasich ends presidential bid, accepts full-time role on Sesame Street

Sunny days, sweeping the clouds away? Governor John Kasich, former congressman and seldom relevant Republican from Ohio, has his eyes set on a new career in children’s television after his doomed campaign finally ends.

“Ever since Sesame Street sold out and jumped ship to HBO I knew they have finally come around to the capitalist way of thinking. I believe with my sing-songy speech patterns, idioms, and a few insipid sayings borrowed from President George W. Bush I can really make a dent on a quasi-human character on our beloved children’s classic.”

Sesame Street cast and crew remain mum on this jarring public speculation of a new addition, keeping the secret tighter than Elmo actor Kevin Clash’s alleged transgressions with under-aged homosexual teen-aged sex partners.

An insider speaking on condition of anonymity commented:

“There was a certain buzz about getting a republican on the set with us, of course most of it negative with many of the old timers fearing deportation or muppets being slaughtered for toupees if it were Donald Trump. Best case scenario we would have gotten the Elder Bush to channel Mr. Rogers and have a weekly story time reading bit. We’d have gotten George W. but considering his luck with children’s stories we felt it best not to give him a call.”

 

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Trump prank leads to alarm over white substance sent to Ted Cruz’s office

Hazardous materials crews were called out to Ted Cruz’s Houston campaign headquarters after a staffer opened a letter containing a white substance.

Donald Trump immediately took responsibility to dissipate alarm and assuage fears. A contrite Trump commented Thursday:

“I admit, it’s just a practical joke that went too far. One of my pages mentioned a common Internet tradition of glorifying pictures of friends wives with your DNA. I decided to honor Mrs. Ted Cruz, since I consider him a friend. Ted can keep it, throw it away, or give it to his wife in hopes of a successful son he can use for future campaign commercials.”

 

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